A Place To Tell Jokes

[Taggure]

A really sensitive husband............

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook. "

[Chasbo00]

A farmer and a pig walk into a bar. The bartender is immediately intrigued, as the pig has a wooden leg. He approaches the farmer.

"What's the story with that pig?" he asks.
"This pig saved my entire family," replied the farmer. "One night, our house and barn caught fire, and this pig went up to my bedroom and nudged me until I woke up. If not for him, my wife, my two children, and I would have been burned alive in our sleep."
"Wow!" The bartender was impressed, but still puzzled. "So, why does he have a wooden leg?"
"A pig this special you can't eat all at once."

[Chasbo00]

I took my brother to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at
him. The teenager would look and find him staring every
time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?' Knowing my brother, I quickly swallowed
my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing
he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not
bat an eye in his response.



'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son. '

[Chasbo00]

Pick-up lines...

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

[Taggure]

I took my brother to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at
him. The teenager would look and find him staring every
time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?' Knowing my brother, I quickly swallowed
my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing
he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not
bat an eye in his response.


'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son. '

Ok I have to ask this question about your Joke:

How is your Dad your Brother, or vice versa?

[Chasbo00]

I is old and gets confused sometimes.

[Taggure]

it is a good joke

[Chasbo00]

I'm heading south soon to visit my relatives in GA - been brushing up on my southern...


BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

[Chasbo00]

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

[Chasbo00]

Kelly limps into his favorite pub...

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

[Chasbo00]

[Chasbo00]

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his shirt. "Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me."
"Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Why are there two twenties?" she asks.
The drunk replies, "Ummm, yeah... he crapped in my pants, too."

[Chasbo00]

A guy is quietly drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to him and says, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

[AlanM]

I took my brother to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at
him. The teenager would look and find him staring every
time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?' Knowing my brother, I quickly swallowed
my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing
he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not
bat an eye in his response.


'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son. '

Ok I have to ask this question about your Joke:

How is your Dad your Brother, or vice versa?

Two boys' birth mother dies.
Their father remarries and later dies.
The older brother marries their step-mother.
The older brother is now the younger brother's step-dad.

In some states there's a much simpler explanation but probably not a legal one.

OBTW:
Fact: All birds lay eggs.
Fact: Peacocks are definitely birds.
Question: Do peacocks lay eggs?

[Taggure]

Two boys' birth mother dies.
Their father remarries and later dies.
The older brother marries their step-mother.
The older brother is now the younger brother's step-dad.

In some states there's a much simpler explanation but probably not a legal one.

@AlanM
Ok I was waiting for someone to explain it to me thanks

Vern

[OakRidgeStars]

That's more confusing than "Uncle Dad"

[Palladin]

If a peacock flew up and lay and egg on the peak of a corn crib, which side would it then roll down?...

[rod]

Not so much of a joke, but a dilema I found myself in....

My wife asked me to change the oil in her car a couple of weeks ago. I said "sure" and promptly forgot about it. She reminded me a couple more times, and I just didn't feel like doing it. After all, it was hot outside and I didn't feel like laying on my back and getting all dirty, then spending a half hour washing up. Changing the oil is something every able bodied man can do, just not something we want to do at this very moment. Well, I come home from work today and notice a Jiffy Lube sticker on the windshield. My wife went and hired a professional to change the oil. Should I get mad? I don't think so. After all, someone thought it would be a good idea to perform a service, for a small fee, that most men are capable of doing, but don't want to because it's dirty and inconvenient at the time. Now.....let's say I want some of that kinky European sex from my wife. She says no, it's too dirty and I don't feel like doing it right now. Should I be allowed to hire a professional?

[OakRidgeStars]

Should I be allowed to hire a professional?

Absolutely. Drive down to Jiffy Lube and ask them to put you on the rack and give the full service package.

[Taggure]

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip $hit