A Place To Tell Jokes

[VBshooter]

We all know the saying if ya can't take a joke,,,,,, Obviously William just couldn;t keep from getting a big ol knot in his panties over this.... Seems we had another crybaby about this very subject not too long ago... They just don;t understand how man rules work .... When someone bitches like a little girl over something like this you keep breaking their stones till they either get the joke, they shut up or just go away.....

[smc331]

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife
will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you
see? I ve got to have a triple dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but
you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if
there are any side effects.'
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's
office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up.'

[Palladin]

AWWWW - I'm gonna tell momma!

[Palladin]

Yeah, he was a "Troll" looking for trouble.

Seen people like him in other forums, just WANTING someone to say something to offend them. Spoilin' for a fight, expectin' someone to kiss his keister with an apology. I heard enough "redneck-Hillbilly" jokes that I have a thick skin.

(shrugs) You know what? I'm a Jew by ethnicity. So HITLER, and his "merry band" gave my people a THICKER skin. We're the "cockroaches" of the species ya'll! Many tried, all failed!

Here's my favorites about my people:
Why did my people wander the desert for 40 years?
Someone dropped a quarter.

How did copper wire get invented?
To of my people found the same penny.

Why are our noses so big?
Air's free.

Offended? Suck it up! Rabbi Cohen, and I had a good roll in temple over those years ago!

I heard that new Jooish tire company, Firestein, has a tire that will not only stop on a dime, it will pick it up too!

[Taggure]

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife
will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you
see? I ve got to have a triple dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but
you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if
there are any side effects.'
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's
office...his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up.'

Sad Truly Sad I tell you

[zephyp]

Yeah DK, Shame on your ass ! Talking about the FWOTUS like that,

Gee, I missed all the fun. You guys ran him off before I could say anything....

You could just as easy put anyone's name in there. IMHO folks who see the FWOTUS's name in there as racist are IMHO racist themselves.

And, if she is so good then she shouldn't need a bunch of dweebs defending her honor. Kinda like the old story about some dimbulb protecting a lion being held in a cage. A wise old farmer pushed his hat back on his head and said "Defend the lion? Let em out and he'll do it his own self."

[Chasbo00]

Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines


1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8.) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND, the one that always works…

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

[Chasbo00]

Walking to my car, I was walking past Mesa Vista Psych Hospital
yesterday, and all the patients were shouting,'13....13....13'
The yard fence was too high to see over, but when I saw a little gap in
the planks I looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[Chasbo00]

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature are
considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first
time - for those who are a bit more
innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be
nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,
'I can assure you that a white gown
would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages,
I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband
was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our
hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the
limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled
immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

[Reverenddel]

"I heard that new Jooish tire company, Firestein, has a tire that will not only stop on a dime, it will pick it up too!"

PALLADIN FTW!!! HAHAHAHAHA I gotta tell Rabbi about that ! HAHAHAH

[Chasbo00]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way, " the blonde added, "it's not a porch, it's a Lexus."

[dorminWS]

So you let a couple of " Brotherhood of The Sphincter " stand in the way of sharing a love for firearms and the shooting sports.

I guess you were looking for an excuse to be offended. Sorry you choose to react this way.

We have a large group here... yes, there will be the "Brotherhood of The Sphincter" who might offend you. But you choose to run and give them victory...

You post 3 welcome posts, and then get offended at a 2 year old post that everybody forgot about.. hmmmm...

For evil to triumph.....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hey - - among our inalienable rights are the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, right? It's inevitable that some among us will choose to exercise their God-given liberty to pursue happiness by being an @sshole. Additionally, @ssholes, by their nature and the nature of the public in general, are naturally more likely to be subjected to abuse, derision and discrimination, aren't they? Therefore, shouldn't @ssholes be a "protected class" just like racial minorities? If not WHY NOT?

[dorminWS]

Speaking of @ssholes, Somebody told me former Rep Wiener of NY was going to recruit Atty Gen'l Eric Holder as a running mate and enter the Democratic primaries as a presidential candidate. Yessir.................. The Wiener Holder ticket.

[Palladin]

[Reverenddel]

"The Wiener Holder ticket."

[VBshooter]

Sound advice for Obama,,,,,

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night, Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Barack asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, then fades away.

The next night, Obama is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Obama calls out, "Tom, please tell me "what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, like I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

Barack still isn't sleeping well the third night when he sees yet another figure moving in the shadows. It is Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing that I can do right now, to help the country?" Obama pleads.

Abe replies, "Go see a play."

[Chasbo00]

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs
her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger,
and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a
living and what political affiliation do you have?''

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

US. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH...

[Chasbo00]

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States . Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed.

"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[Taggure]

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, andsays, 'Now that you have had a chance to think thequestions over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy.... That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you dohave a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...'
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to giveyou credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
'Run, Forrest, Run.'

[Taggure]

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
Hello ,I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the poop out of me, I've never gotten this far before."