A Place To Tell Jokes

[jim100]

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road..

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

AMEN!, and Obama too.

[Chasbo00]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus
is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on
and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear
as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his
light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on
a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"

Moses replied, "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."

[Chasbo00]

A guy goes into a bar, sits down and orders 7 shots straight up. He then begins to rapidly drink them one by one. As he is about to drink the 7th one, the bartender says; "man, you should not drink like that -- it's just not good for you." The guy says to the bartender; "you would drink like this too, if you had what I got." The bartender then asks; "what have you got?" The guy replies; "fifty cents!"

[zephyp]

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with an elephant?

A: A dead chicken with a very large hole in it.

[Taggure]

Why California is broke and Texas is not?

California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along
a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the
Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie
"Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only
doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote
and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for
relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked
for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged..

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of
dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
"coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better
treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout
the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the
attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with
additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
against the State.


TEXAS: The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and
keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point
cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

[GS78]

Vladimir Putin, Queen Elizebeth and George Bush all die and go to HEll......




Putin asks the Devil if he can call home before going to his eternal reward and the the Devil says "sure"


Putin calls home and talks for 5 minutes and then the Devils says"that'll be 2 million dollars for the call"

Queen Elizabeth asks if she can call Buckingham Palace and is told "sure"

She returns after talking to her family for ten minutes and is told "That;ll be 8million dollars"


GW Bush asks the Devil if he can call Laura and is told "sure"

GW returns after 30 minutes and the Devil says "that'll be 5 bucks"

...to which Putin and the Queen both start complaining about how much they had been charged......


The Devil says calmly " because of George Bush, Obama got elected and America has gone to Hell, making his a local call"

[jim100]

\


MORE JOKES PLS!

[Chasbo00]

FARM BOY

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and
he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He
goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for
breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in
my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any
bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you
aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a big smile and says, "You
gonna tell him or should I?"

[Taggure]

[Riana]

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with an elephant?

A: A dead chicken with a very large hole in it.

That is NOT right. Yes, I'm forwarding it to everyone I know.

[dorminWS]

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with an elephant?

A: A dead chicken with a very large hole in it.

That is NOT right. Yes, I'm forwarding it to everyone I know.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I'm tryin' not to grin at this - - - afraid if I do, I'll fail my next background test.

[jim100]

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with an elephant?

A: A dead chicken with a very large hole in it.

That is NOT right. Yes, I'm forwarding it to everyone I know.

the "Chicken" is supposed to be a donkey or A$$, if so than you get................................................................
Modern day politicians.

[zephyp]

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with an elephant?

A: A dead chicken with a very large hole in it.

That is NOT right. Yes, I'm forwarding it to everyone I know.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I'm tryin' not to grin at this - - - afraid if I do, I'll fail my next background test.

An oldie but goodie...ah, the imagery...

[Jumper501]

A platoon of marines was out on a training exercise when they come upon a paratrooper decked out in his maroon beret standing on a hill top. The paratrooper seeing them arrogantly waves his arm and flips them off. The marine LT quickly orders on of his fire teams to go kick his airborne @$$. As the run up the hill the paratrooper ducks down the other side. The marines follow him, there is a scuffle and some screams. A few minutes later the Paratroop resumes his position atop the hill and with a big smile flips the marines off a second time.

The pissed off LT orders a squad to up the hill. They charge up with a loud war cry. Again the paratrooper drops down the other side, followed by the marine squad. Again there is a scuffle and even louder screams. And again the paratrooper resumes his perch, fixes his beret and flips off the marines with both hands...and the arrogant smile.

The now furious LT orders the rest of his platoon up the hill. The blood hungry troops rush up at full speed and down the other side after the paratrooper. The sounds of an epic battle can be heard for miles. Then silence. A loan marine manages to crawl his way back over the hill to the LT.

"What happened???"
LT, it was a trick, there are TWO of them!

[wylde007]

That's an old joke which got its start as a Confederate Soldier at Stone Mountain, Georgia during Sherman's march to the sea.

[Jumper501]

Yeah, but I had not seen it here so I thought I would post it. I'll probably get flak for it making fun of marines and all, but hey its all good.

[Taggure]

A big-city, California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell on the other side of the fence into a farmer’s field. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck, it fell in to this field, and now I’m going to retrieve old farmer replied, “This is my property and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule”.

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

[OakRidgeStars]

For those of us who feel only love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the highway for no reason. You’d have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this..

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - when all else fails, you would call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself.

[jim100]

Borrowed.




How God Created Virginia -



God was missing for six days. On the

seventh day, Michael, the archangel,

found him - resting. He inquired, "Where

have you been?"



God smiled deeply and proudly pointed

downwards through the clouds. "Look,

Michael. Look what I have made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"



"It's a planet" replied God, "and I've

put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth

and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm confused."



God explained, pointing to different

parts of Earth. "For example, he said,

northern Europe will be a place of

great opportunity and wealth, while

southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over here I've placed a continent of

white people, and over there is a

continent of black people. Balance

in all things."

God continued pointing to different

countries. "This one will be extremely

hot, while this one will be very cold

and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's

work, then pointed to a land area

and asked, "What's that one?"



"That's Virginia, the most glorious

place on earth. There are beautiful

mountains, ocean, rivers and streams,

lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The

people from Virginia are going to be

handsome, modest, intelligent, and

humorous, and they are going to travel

the world.

They will be extremely sociable,

hardworking, high achieving, carriers

of peace, and producers of good

things."

Michael gasped in wonder and

admiration, but then asked, "But

what about balance, God? You said

there would be balance."

God smiled, "Right next to Virginia

is Washington, DC . Wait till you

see the idiots I put there."

[Reverenddel]

Did you hear about the cannibal who got sick after eating the missionary? He boiled him and he was a friar!

Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before.

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.

Did you hear about the man who bought had a dog with no legs? He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

What did the cross eyed school teacher say to his disruptive children? - "I can't control my pupils."

As everyone was leaving the church, the Pastor noticed a young boy in the hallway, looking at a number of pictures on the wall. He said, "Well, hello, young man, how are you today?" The boy said, "Oh, fine." The pastor said, "I see you are looking at the pictures on the wall, do you know who the men in those pictures are?" The boy said "No, who are they?" The pastor said proudly "Well, son, those are pictures of the men in our congregation that gave their life in the service". The boy replied, " The 10 o'clock or the 11 o'clock service?

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up in the dictionary!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

STOP GROANING! I ENDED WITH A GUN JOKE!