Divorced guys: When did you know it was over

[OgenRwot]

For you divorced folks, when did you decide it wasn't worth it anymore? How did you know? What did it take?

I've only been married about two years but it seems like she has completely fallen out of love with me. She lies to me consistently and when I catch her in a blatant lie she acts like it's no big deal. It's not little things, but she lies about who she's with and where she is. I'm not sure if she's cheating but I don't see when she would have the time to do so but I don't know. She has been "going out" a lot more after work lately and doesn't tell me she's going out, just shows up home late after not answering her phone with alcohol on her breath. She is with people I know and unless they are all lying to me as well (God that would f*** suck, one of my best friends) then I don't think she's cheating. There is a lot of other little things, I feel like I'm the only one trying, she doesn't care that our marriage has gone to poop. If she cared and was willing to work at the marriage it would be one thing but it seems like she's over it.

Worst thing too, I cannot afford a divorce lawyer. I don't have much and I don't think she would come after me for what I do have but you hear horror stories all the time.

[Diomed]

You need to work on your game, son.

[CowboyT]

You need to work on your game, son.

??

[OakRidgeStars]

A relationship needs two very important ingredients: Communication and respect.

It would seem that your relationship is seriously lacking in both. If you think the marriage and the girl are worth saving, then it might be time to seek the help of a professional. And, no I don't mean a lawyer.

That being said, man up already and take the reins in the relationship. No woman is going to respect a man that she can walk all over.

...coming up next on Dr Phil, it's the homeless guy with the golden voice

[CoryB]

And PLEASE, for goodness sake, DON'T think that having a child will turn the marriage around and save it. It won't and it will just cost you more for the divorce.

Maybe you should try some marriage counseling but if she won't go for that my guess is that it's over. As OakRidgeStars said, communication and respect are crucial. Both of those go hand-in-hand with trust. If you can't trust her - and it sounds like you already don't - why continue the charade?

Cut your losses and get out while you can. Uncontested divorces aren't that expensive.

[allingeneral]

*** IANAL *** - and if you can afford a couple hundred bucks to sit down with a divorce lawyer for an hour long consultation, it would definitely be in your best interest. Nothing can replace the understanding of the law that a lawyer holds, and if you choose to go it alone with no consultation or representation at all, then you really open yourself up to the possibility of a very difficult time.

In an uncontested divorce when no children are involved, you have to be separated for 6 months before divorce proceedings can commence. So, essentially, you and she will have to agree to some terms of separation first. You can draw up a "Separation agreement" which outlines who gets what from the relationship - who stays in the dwelling and who moves out, etc. You can find templates for such an agreement online. Get it drawn up and talk to her about it, and if you can both agree on separation terms, you both need to sign the agreement in front of a notary.

Once the separation agreement is signed and you have been legally separated for 6 months, you can file paperwork to begin divorce proceedings. Assuming everything goes smoothly up to this point, the separation agreement can be incorporated into the divorce decree and the judge can sign and it can be a done deal.

The above description is a best-case scenario. Really - go talk to a lawyer. You'll be glad you did.

Good Luck!

[newdovo]

+1 on marriage counseling. If you are Christians (or not), there are Christian marriage/family counselors as well. You'll want someone who is licensed to do this kind of counselling.
I'm glad to hear that you are still willing to make a go at it!

You need to work on your game, son.

I'm going to put my take on this statement. Do you make efforts to do things with her, to create time for the two of you? Maybe plan times to do something together that she really likes to do, even if it's something that you don't particularly care to do. Pursue her like you did when you were dating.
I'm not sure of what other things may be issues, but if money/spending/debt is a source of tension in the home, as it can be in many homes, maybe a financial class would be helpful. And it's something that you can do together, working toward the same goals. We did Financial Peace University http://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/ and it was life changing for us. No more "discussions" at the end of the month, or when large bills arrive; rather there are budget meetings when the money comes in, with a plan already in place on where we will allocate it.
Good luck to you.

Parry

[arkypete]

Been down the aisle three times, divorced twice.
Marriage #1 I was less then ideal as a husband. Married too young, to many differences in what we wanted out of life, etc.
Marriage #2 Still don't know what happened.
During the time I was single I learned that what I found attractive in women was pure insanity. I dated four different ladies that made the bells and whistles go off and watched them for a long period. Seems I was attracted to lunatics, drunks, control freaks and worse.
Seems the bells and whistles were alarm signals not signs of desirability.
There's lots of nice ladies out there, who share the same goals, hobbies, interests, etc. as you. There's no need to tolerate unacceptable behavior. Think of it this way, would you accept this behavior from a lady you were dating? A store clerk? An employee?
Follow the guys above advice and look out for yourself.

Jim

[Unkn0wN]

There is a lot of other little things, I feel like I'm the only one trying, she doesn't care that our marriage has gone to poop. If she cared and was willing to work at the marriage it would be one thing but it seems like she's over it.

I've been there too. I will tell you right now, if she isn't willing to try then I am sorry man, it is over.

In my last marriage, it was the same ride. She wasn't interested and wasn't willing to work on it. I tried my @ss off because that was MY wife. After a year of busting my @ss, bending over backwards for her, I finally told her I was done. A week later, we were both looking for new places to live. After moving, I felt so relieved. I quickly realized I had been trying to make it work for all the wrong reasons. A week after moving out, I was out and hooking up with women.... and it was awesome. I knew after the first week, waking up next to someone else, that it had been over for me too.

[wbtrunx]

A relationship needs two very important ingredients: Communication and respect.

Add one more; love.
Men need to feel respected, and women need to feel loved. For them, knowing they're loved and feeling it are two very different things.
A great book that I recommend for anyone that's married or dating(even if you aren't thinking about divorce or break up) is Love an Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
It's not your usual book written by some woman telling men how to love their wife like a woman. It addresses men and women in very practical and relateable ways. I encourage anyone reading this post to look into it.

[Diomed]

That being said, man up already and take the reins in the relationship. No woman is going to respect a man that she can walk all over.

This is pretty close to reality. If she doesn't respect you, she'll lose interest - as has happened here - and it's over. You have some options, ranging from sacking up and telling her to hit the bricks, to executing a strategic re-taking of your manhood and earning her interest again (though you really need to ask yourself if you want it). How to go about that depends a lot on your situation, but it will always involve not being a clingy doormat. Getting over your social conditioning to be a nutless wonder is not easy but it will pay off in the end.

Ever notice how assholes do well with the ladies? There's a clue.

[Trigger]

I'm not a divorced man, but offer a mature woman's perspective... Women of all types like/love confident, considerate and balls-zee men. Women lose interest in guys who appear weaker than other men (like your friends). Women don't walk down the aisle and say lets see what happens instead they invision/plan out what they expect and want. Seems like the two of you are missing the mark regarding what she wants. Women strongly dislike slobs (people without self-respect) and the job of cleaning up after them. Women don't fall out of love easily (too emotionally minded to jump quickly) nor do women suddenly fall out of love with a new husband. What's lacking? Have you changed? Out on a limb here, but for your sake, I hope you didn't get a wife and then turn into a lazy slob. Get back in the game. Show your strenghs. Counseling after 2 yrs of marriage is your best bet if you really want a life with her.

[SgtBill]

*** IANAL *** - and if you can afford a couple hundred bucks to sit down with a divorce lawyer for an hour long consultation, it would definitely be in your best interest. Nothing can replace the understanding of the law that a lawyer holds, and if you choose to go it alone with no consultation or representation at all, then you really open yourself up to the possibility of a very difficult time.

In an uncontested divorce when no children are involved, you have to be separated for 6 months before divorce proceedings can commence. So, essentially, you and she will have to agree to some terms of separation first. You can draw up a "Separation agreement" which outlines who gets what from the relationship - who stays in the dwelling and who moves out, etc. You can find templates for such an agreement online. Get it drawn up and talk to her about it, and if you can both agree on separation terms, you both need to sign the agreement in front of a notary.

Once the separation agreement is signed and you have been legally separated for 6 months, you can file paperwork to begin divorce proceedings. Assuming everything goes smoothly up to this point, the separation agreement can be incorporated into the divorce decree and the judge can sign and it can be a done deal.

The above description is a best-case scenario. Really - go talk to a lawyer. You'll be glad you did.

Good Luck!

Sounds like some real good advice from Rick I know that he has been there and so have I. I am married for the second time now and it has been 38 year's and still going strong.
Bill

[HK91762mm]

I dont see where you say How old you are--If your young -20's - 30's Dont be surprised if she has just grown out of the relationship..
DO you have a House to sell? or do you rent--KIDS? That complicates things a lot--

From experience American women are HI maintenance and are bitchy- IF they are over 30-40yo they have a problem Keeping a husband or staying with a guy-..... In short all the good ones have been taken and will never be on the market again unless hubby passes away !
Get legal advise Save money in a Emergency account and what ever you do=DON'T GET IN A FIGHT WITH HER WHERE SHE CAN SAY YOU HARMED HER OR THREATENED HER - If she tries pushing your buttons smile and walk away -She is doing this deliberately to enrage you so she can have you arrested -!!!!! and that will cost you your gun rights forever -!!!!

[newdovo]

^^ ^^