A Place To Tell Jokes

[allingeneral]

Chopper! Sick balls!

[allingeneral]

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?

[C40Pilot]

So this Navy Master Chief retires after 35 years of service. He was great with his hands and could fix anything and had a pretty good shop set up in his garage. He thought that might keep him busy during retirement years, but it didn't.

So he walks into a pet store looking for a pet to provide some company. The pet store owner hears his story and recommends a faithful dog or a cat with some personality. Nah, the Master Chief says, but what about this bird over here?

The pet store owner begins to explain that it might make a good companion. He could teach it to talk and whistle and the bird could become a good friend. What's that bump on his nose?, the Master Chief asks. Oh, the pet store owner says, that's unique to this type of bird. Well, says the Chief, I'm pretty good with my hands, I'll take that bird, and when I get him home, I'll just file that bump right down, and he'll be good to go! Oh no, says the store owner, under that bump on his nose is a main blood vessel, and if you rupture that, he'll bleed to death.

The Master Chief, confident in his abilities, buys the bird and assures the pet owner that he'll take good care of the bird.

About a week later the Chief walks back in to the pet store looking for a new pet. How's the bird?, asks the store owner. Dead, says the Chief. I knew it, you tried to file that bump down and your bird bleed to death. Nah, I crushed his head in the vice.

[wylde007]

"vise"

[wylde007]

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair just the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said: Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[Taggure]

[KaosDad]

OK – Another parrot joke….
A rather introverted gent is looking for a pet (aren’t they all?) and goes to the local pet store, yes, where he buys a parrot & the cage & all the equipment. He assured the bird is very talkative & will give him house of entertainment & company.
He gets the parrot home, sets up the cage in his small kitchen. As soon as the food & water bowls are set up the parrot looks him dead in the eye and says; “You’re a mealy-mouthed little excuse for a man aren’t you?”

The gent is shocked. But the parrot continues his battlement, ceaselessly. For the next few days the bird badgers the poor man about everything from the quality of the food to the temperature of the house. The bird makes unflattering remarks about the gent’s ancestry, harping especially on his mother’s lack of morals. Finally the gent can take no more and dumps cold water on the bird. This simply causes the bird to amp up the heckling including stark references to his anatomy, sexual preference and religious practices that, undoubtedly, involve livestock.

Finally the man is outraged. In an inhuman flash of speed he wrenches open the cage, grabs the bird by the neck and flings it into the freezer, slamming the door shut. He hears the bird fly into a rage in the freezer crashing about, damning the man to all sorts of torment when suddenly the ruckus stops.

The man listens…… silence. A fear grips the man and begins to regret his treatment of the tortuous bird. After about fifteen minutes, he opens the freezer to find the parrot standing front and center, shivering.

“Excuse me sir, may I be allowed out?” The gent helps the bird back into its cage where it tries to ruffle the frost from its feathers. Finally, the bird looks up at the man and says; “I’m very sorry. I’ve been a horrid brute to you and it’s no wonder you put me in that freezer. I promise I’ll be a faithful companion for many years to come.”

“Well,” says the gent, “we can all have a turn around, can’t we? In return I’ll see about some better quality grub. How’s that?”

“Very nice sir. But, may I ask a question?”

“Of course!” Said the gent.

“What in heck did that chicken do to you?”

[KaosDad]

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
<snip>
'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?

[Kreutz]

An old one but.....

A man enters a pawn shop in Manhattan, and sees this really weird brass rat statue. He asks the clerk, "How much does that thing cost?", to which he is told, "Five dollars, but the manual is five thousand".

The man says, "Thats ridiculous, here's five dollars, just give me the thing" as the clerk protested, taking the money anyway.

So the man puts the thing in his trunk and starts driving home. As he drives along he notices rats. Rats coming out of buildings. Out of sewers. Pouring out. He drives faster, they run faster. Hundreds of thousands of rats are closing in on his vehicle. Getting scared, he points his car at the Hudson river, guns the engine, and them jumps out, and watches in dumb amazement as the rats followed the car into the water, all drowning to death.

An hour later he walks back into the pawn shop. The clerk greets him and says, "I'll bet you're here for those instructions huh"? And the man said,


"f*** no, you selling any brass politicians!?"

[Chasbo00]

Yet another Parrot joke: Your parrot, he is dead...


At dawn the telephone rings . . .


"Hello, Senor Rod?" This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country
house."


"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"


"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he
is dead."


"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"


"Si, Senor, that's the one."


"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did
he die from?"


"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.""Rotten meat? Who the hell fed
him rotten meat?"


"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."


"Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."


"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"


"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."


"Are you insane?? What water cart?"


"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."


"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"


"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the
curtains caught on fire."


"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle??!!"


"Yes, Senor Rod."


"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"


"For the funeral, Senor Rod." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"


"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super
Quad 460 driver golf club."


SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........


"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in big trouble!!"

[zephyp]

And yet another parrot joke...this one from memory and typed here so please excuse any typos...

The minister of a local church died leaving his wife of 40 years all alone. Her friends suggested a pet to keep her company. She thought it a good idea and headed to the pet store.

Upon entering the pet store her eye immediately caught site of a beautiful parrot. She was hooked at first sight and asked the owner about the bird.

The owner, being a member of the church, knew the woman and urged her not to buy the parrot due to its bad language. He explained to her that the parrot was owned by a vile wicked man who taught it very bad language. He further explained that the man was now dead and surely in hell.

The woman was so struck by the beautiful parrot that she bought it anyway thinking she could set it straight and on the path to righteousness.

So, the woman took the parrot home and he started babbling filth at every opportunity. The woman merely ignored the foul language and prayed over the parrot daily, but to no avail.

One day the woman decided to have friends over for a game of bridge. The parrot, spewing filth, was getting on her nerves. She prayed over the parrot but the more she prayed the more he cussed.

The doorbell rang and the woman grabbed the parrot and stuck him in the freezer. She didnt have anywhere else to put him and certainly could not have him cussing with her friends around.

A couple of hours later as she was seeing the last of her friends out the door she remembered the parrot. She rushed to the freezer and opened the door to find the poor parrot shivering to death and looking at her with a pleading eye.

She had a sudden thought and asked "If I let you out will you stop cussing?"

"Y-y-yes" the parrot replied through his chattering beak. "But I h-h-have a-a-a q-q-question. W-w-what did that ch-ch-icken do?"

[ccbob]

2010 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with bated breath , so without further ado here
are the 2010 Darwin Awards.

Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker , who "totally zoned when he ran" ,
accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach , Daniel Jones , 21 , dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom , when it
collapsed , burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but
could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an
hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24 , was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight
he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and
pull the trigger.


Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door ,
a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The
shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up
and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk
promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and
fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime
scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The
subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds
from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller , 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
A.M. So they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see
what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was
closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said
they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle
of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped
along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of
the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham,
who had continued drinking , volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman ' s cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and
then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his
fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's
foot was never located.


AND THE WINNER IS....


Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries ,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46 , was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The
sheer force of the elephants unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to
the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to
evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those
freak accidents that proves... ' poop happens. '

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM
THE GENE POOL.

[Palladin]

Old age - that's when things that used to be loose get tight, and things that used to be tight, get loose

[Palladin]

A preacher was to speak to a study group about sex, and when he left home to go to the meeting he was embarrassed to tell his wife, so he told her the topic was sailing instead.
The following Sunday after church, a lady who had attended the meeting stopped the wife to tell her what a wonderful job her husband had done speaking to the study group. The wife said, "That's funny, because he's only done it twice - the first time he got sick and threw up, and the second time his hat blew off!"

[Chasbo00]

Cat ownership...

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party.

We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.
'She was hiding under the bed again. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her sorry ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
She better not crap in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

[Kreutz]

Amminister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"

"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."

[Palladin]

@ Kreutz -

Wait a minit - are you qualified to tell jokes like this?!!!

[Taggure]

A Texan cruises thru a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local
policeman. Guy hands the cop his Texas driver's license,
insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you
carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.
There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22
magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's
about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damn thing..."

[allingeneral]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[Chasbo00]

PHONE REPAIR

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.