A Place To Tell Jokes

[rromeo]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a A A gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[Chasbo00]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[OakRidgeStars]

^^^

[rromeo]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a A A gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[OakRidgeStars]

I don't think that joke was worth repeating in the same thread, much less the same page.

[OakRidgeStars]

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.

[allingeneral]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot
that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home
from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.


"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of
his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were
after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We
really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my
parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of
his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask
for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[gunderwood]

Can't have blonde jokes without redhead jokes too:

Q: How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds.

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something.

Q: You know when a blonde has been using a computer by the whiteout on the screen. So how do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.

Q: What's the difference between an angry redhead and a terrorist?
Q: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the Redhead Dating Motto?
A: The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

Q: What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
A: A redhead won't accept a three and a half inch anything.

Q: What is the difference between a bitch and redhead?
A: Not a damn thing, but you better not tell her that.

Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
A: She unties you

Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal.

Pretty close to the truth there...

If you love a redhead, set her free. If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front yard, and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way. The other is to let her have it.

Absolutely true, especially the first part.

A redhead accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely
die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he
is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare
an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably
had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his
stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a
week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a
year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

A young man marrying a redhead asked his father for some marital advice. The father said, "Just remind her who wears the pants in your family." The evening arrived, the new husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She did and said "I don't fit into these." "That's right!" he said, "so don't you forget who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He looked at them and said, "I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right - and you won't until your attitude changes."

[srwg9mm]

@gunderwood

"I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right - and you won't until your attitude changes."

[DWinter]

Holy Sheet, I can't stop laughing. My sons girlfriend is a redhead with attitude and I can't wait for her to come down for dinner so I can show her those. Then again maybe not, I really like this laptop and she's becoming a pretty good shooter with my son's .380.

[allingeneral]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.


The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the
hold up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah
Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and
Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Billion ransom. Otherwise,
they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We
are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

The man replied, 'About a gallon'.

[gfost1]

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[zephyp]

Good ones George. Welcome back. Havent seen you in a while. Hope all is well...

[allingeneral]

There are a couple here that I've never heard before. Worth a small chuckle or two.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .


3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.


5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.


10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


17. A backward poet writes inverse.


18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.


19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine


21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'


22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[wylde007]

That last joke should be taken out and shot.

[allingeneral]

The Respectful Hunter

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near Highway 7
early one cold December morning. Suddenly, a huge buck walked out
over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs.

The buck was magnificent, a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge.
The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and
Crockett points.

Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300
Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck. As he was about to squeeze the trigger
on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession
passing slowly down Highway 7.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his
hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching
thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay
respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man
I have ever known and I feel lucky to call you a friend."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 47 years."

[Paliden]

Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who mauled .......

3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall,

6 illegal's wearing Obama t-shirts,

4 stupid Democrats wearing Pelosi T-shirts,

2 rappers,

5 phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English,

9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks,

8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English,

10 flag burners,

and a Pakistani taxi driver.


FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!"

[Chasbo00]

Talking Sheep Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Sheep Dog For Sale' so he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Sheep Dog sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The dog looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a lying son of a bitch. He never did any of that stuff!'

[allingeneral]

Beware the fine print!!

[moss20]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to
grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"