A Place To Tell Jokes

[moss20]

BANNED FROM WAL-MART...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Gilbert
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras .

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Sincerely,
Wal-Mart


This is way too funny NOT to share!

[moss20]

> > I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
> >
> > course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
> >
> > prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
> >
> > definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot
> > to
> >
> > the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me
> >
> > that if you eat it, the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall
> > off.
> >
> >
> >
> > Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
> >
> > of coffee (and all of you kn
> > ow what I mean) nothing happened. No
> >
> > "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their
> > way
> >
> > through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
> >
> > usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder
> >
> >
> > and
> >
> > lightning.
> >
> >
> >
> > Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just
> >
> > when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery
> > store
> >
> > that I
> >
> > often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
> >
> >
> >
> > Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
> >
> > and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
> >
> > until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
> >
> > the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
> >
> > talking
> >
> > about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always
> > seems
> >
> > to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
> >
> >
> >
> > The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
> >
> > In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
> >
> > intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
> >
> > could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
> >
> > sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
> >
> >
> >
> > There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
> >
> > in a noxious cloud the
> > likes of which has never before been recorded. I
> >
> > was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape
> >
> > me.
> >
> > Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
> >
> > body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
> >
> > elderly woman turned into it.
> >
> >
> >
> > I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
> >
> > would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
> >
> > walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
> >
> > directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
> >
> > least will be able to relate.
> >
> >
> >
> > I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
> >
> > walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
> >
> > so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
> >
> > running,
> >
> > was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
> >
> > though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
> >
> > terrible,
> >
> > but then made me laugh. Mistake.
> >
> >
> >
> > Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped
> >
> > down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
> > issue
> >
> > burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
> >
> > was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
> >
> > someone was robbing the store an
> > d firing off a shotgun.
> >
> >
> >
> > Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
> >
> > through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
> >
> > way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
> >
> > place.
> >
> >
> >
> > Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
> >
> > the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because
> > my
> >
> > ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was
> >
> > in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe".
> > He made a
> >
> > gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly
> > left.
> >
> >
> >
> > Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
> >
> > intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
> >
> > me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
> > It
> >
> > appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
> >
> > is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
> >
> > take care of the problem."
> >
> >
> >
> > That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
> >
> > The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
> >
> > his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S
> >
> > YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
> >
> > unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
> >
> >
> > not to return.
> >
> >
> >
> > Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to
> >
> > eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
> >
> > went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we
> >
> > are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to
> >
> > have to repaint the store.
> >
> >

[Vahunter]

Archery & the Nature of Boys - Author Unknown

Around age 10 my dad got me a really cool present ... one of
those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the
first month I went around our place sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck
by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor will
take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

After a week or two simple targets got boring, so being the 10
yr.old Dukes of Hazzard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking
strips of cut up Tshirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and
was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Cool! Keep in
mind that I lived in an area that was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really
wasn't any fire danger. I'll put it this way - a set of post hole
diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.

Anyway, one summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows
into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I was making good
progress and my aim was honestly quite good but even the flames weren't quite
enonogh that day. As I was lighting up another arrow I looked over
under the carport and saw a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). Yup,
my trusty light bulb went off.

I grabbed the can and started walking toward the smoking
stump, but then thought . . . when I hit the can with the arrow it would probably
just spray out in a disappointing manner. I could probably do better.
Let's face it. . . to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself, the
ether really didn't seem like it was going to be all that flammable.
So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black
powder for my dad's muzzle loader rifles). Yeah! Now we're talkin'!

Back outside, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened
up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit
around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No
biggie...1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda
like a firecrackeryou know? I knew you had to pack it tight to make an explosion,
so I was still pretty safe. . . just a cool flash, right?

On second thought, screw that. I'm going back in the house
for the other can. Yup, I got the second can of pyrodex and dumped it
too. OK. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2-stroke-gassed-up
arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released the arrow
from my bow I heard a clunk behind me. In a slow motion time frame, I
turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH S##T!

He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10
minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking
towards me in slow motion with a [beeep] look in his eyes. I turned back towards my
target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can
rightat the bottom. Bull's eye! . . . right through the main
pile of pyrodex and into the can. WOW!

The shock knocked me off my feet. Well, truthfully, I don't know
if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just a
reflex kick-back from 235 frickin' decibels of sound. Honestly, I
thinkI only caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence,
but I will tell you there was an instant cloud of dust, grass, and bugs all
hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like the
earth moved 12 inches down and left all the dust, swarms of
grasshoppersand spiders, and even a crawfish or two right where
they had been sitting. Wow! Amazing!

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this...THE DAYLIGHT
TURNED PURPLE! There was a slow rolling mushroom cloud about that had
climbed to about 2000ft above our backyard. There was a big sweetgum
tree by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That
hulk just gave up and fell over.

I was on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my
Thundercats T-shirt shredded.

My dad was on the other side of the carport having what I can
onlyassume was a Vietnam flashback - ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE, YOUR
BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE, DAMIT, CEASE FIRE!!!!!

I noticed that his hat had blown off and was lying 30 ft. behind
him in the driveway. I also noticed, with a gut-wrenching
> feeling, that all the windows on the north side of the house had blown out. My
Honda185s 3-wheeler was parked near the site and now sat with its
plasticf enders drooped down and touching the tires. Dang! I
could even see the imprint of the tread into the plastic. . .musta been hot, still
smokin'. . .funny what you notice at times like that.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. Truth
is, I don't know even if I said something. I couldn't hear anything. .
even inside my own head. I don't think he would have heard me
anyway... not that it really mattered.

I don't remember much from this point on. I said something,
felt a sharp pain, saw black, woke up, felt another sharp pain, blacked out,
woke later...my mother told me later that I repeated this process for
more than an hour. She also said she had to give me CPR and try
to keep dad from continuing to get at me. Yeah, bring him back to life so dad
can kill him again. Thanks mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump
again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never
did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and took care of
business.

Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. I still have some
sort of bone growth abnormality . . . either from the blast or the
beating or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids outside
more....into a good sport like archery. Its good discipline and will
teach them skills they can use later on in life. Something they won't
learn in school.

[OakRidgeStars]

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me now?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! =

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I’m not gay."

And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note to my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[zephyp]

The black powder stump story is too funny. Reminds me of one a buddy related to me while they were on a scouting trip. He and some other scout leaders were sitting in a tent and heard some quiet snickers around the campfire followed by a bright light and some verbal retorts. One of the scouts dumped black powder on the fire and burned off his hair, eyebrows, and lashes. My buddy said he was ok but they called him "Flash" after that.

[Vahunter]

Looking for work

A group of doctors at a global medical conference are bragging to each other about the state of medicine in their home countries.

A French doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."

[Vahunter]

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to SixFlags! theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her favorite candy, M&M's. Wha t a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed.. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.

[Vahunter]

A LETTER FROM THE BOSS.....

As the VP of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President, and that our taxes, and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%



Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six'Obama'
bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them.

[OakRidgeStars]

[Vahunter]

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '

Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my Airforce One airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 's shoes.'

Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and
stereo headset!'

Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like
you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your a$$ from drowning!'

[allingeneral]

Here's the sticker that wife and I got along with our firearms purchases at the gun show today.

[Cliff]

UCLA STUDY

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she
is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However,if she is
menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with
duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on
fire.

No further studies are expected.

[Cliff]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Dumb ass - probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send those heart-warming stories.

[Cliff]

: SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN




*Summer Classes for Men at*

*THE
** ADULT LEARNING CENTER
**
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
**by Saturday, May 23, 2009 **
**NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8
PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM *


*Class 1
**How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with
Slide Presentation.
**Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours
beginning at7:00 PM.*

*Class 2
**The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
**Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.*

*Class 3
**Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of
Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and
Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
**Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.*

*Class 4
**Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and
The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics..
**Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.*

*Class 5
**Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The
Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
**Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning
at 7:00 PM*

*Class 6
**Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your
Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
**Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM*

*Class 7
**Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In
The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down
While Screaming.
Open Forum
**Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.*

*Class 8
**Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To
Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes..
**Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for
2 hours.*

*Class 9
**Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life
Testimonials.
**Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined*

*Class 10
**Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She
Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations..
**4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.*

*Class 11
**Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and
Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
**Tuesdays at **7:00 PM** , location to be determined*

*Class 12
**How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing
Techniques.
**Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at7:00 PM.*

*Class 13
**How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When
You're Going To Be Late.
**Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies
Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2
hours.*

*Class 14
**The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used..
Live Demonstration.
**Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.*

*Upon completion of _any_ of the above courses, diplomas
will be issued _to the survivors._ _

[Cliff]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertakin g; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[moss20]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between the terms? To keep you well informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

This should clear up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both ultimately result in death

[moss20]

Three general contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White
House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is
from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The
Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then
works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will
run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for
me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we
hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

[moss20]

Subject: Nag Nag Nag


An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night she was always complaining about something.


The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with
his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing,
his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into
the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately,
his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just
went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind
feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.


Killed her dead on the spot.


At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would
listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man
mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his
head in disagreement.


This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer
about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer,
and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women,
but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say
something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her
dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

[Cliff]

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 Milestone money.

And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no Pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot..... She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.....

All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her friend was, well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

'That's easy.... The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the Logical thing to do.. But her friend had responded with such Confidence,
Such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is Absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the Million Dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the
Contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted .

[OakRidgeStars]

Thought for the Day:

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?.

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day