A Place To Tell Jokes

[moss20]

The LAPD, FBI, BATF, and the CIA were all trying to prove they were the best at apprehending criminals. The president decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each agency has to try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant & mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The BATF goes in. They register all the animals in the forest, thereby creating so many piles of paperwork that the rabbit simply eludes the agents by hiding amidst the forms. After a year of registration, and no rabbit, they decide that something has to be done to justify their continued existence. Prepared for just such an emergency, they pull out their 'throw down' rabbit and tie it to a tree in the middle of a clearing. The next morning at 4AM, fourteen black-clad machine gunning agents storm the clearing, complete w/ flash-bang grenades & tear gas. The rabbit is shot while 'trying to escape'.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does a BATF agent get on an IQ test?

A: Drool

Q: What's the difference between a biker gang and BATF?

A: One is a group of violent social misfits that gets its jollies by
rape and murder. The other rides motorcycles.

[moss20]

HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

[zephyp]

HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Now why didnt I think of that earlier. I could have saved quite a bit on my home alarm. I wonder if USAA would give me a discount on my insurance if I used this system...

[moss20]

A young blonde was on vacation and

driving through the Everglades.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine

alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices

the local vendors were asking.


After becoming very frustrated with the

'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of

the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,

"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch

my own alligator,

so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,

"Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps,

determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home,

he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots

that same young woman standing waist deep

in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then,he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming

rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim,

kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy

bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures,

all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank,

watching in silent amazement.



The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming

in great frustration, she shouts out,

"poop...THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!!!

[moss20]

Dear Employee,

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged
Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems

appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who
has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on
board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (poop).

We take pride in the amount of poop our employees receive. We have given our employees more poop than any company in this area. If any

employee feels they do not receive enough poop on the job, see your

immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all
the poop you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!

[moss20]

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,

"Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

--------------------------------------------

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.
Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

--------------------------------------------------

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

----------------------------------------------

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


--------------------------------------------------

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

--------------------------------------------------

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

[moss20]

Redneck Man's pick up lines
1) Did you fart?
Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you in I were Squirrels,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only
a light switch away.

8 ) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."


9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til
afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

[moss20]

winter sucks.jpg (54.69 KiB) Viewed 3232 times

[moss20]

A True Story from the Jacksonville , Fl., Police Dept.

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why.

They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door.

There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

[moss20]

Running stop light = $100.00
DUI = $5000.00
Not wearing a seat belt = $50.00
Putting you & your girlfriend on your fake drivers license = PRICELESS

dl.jpg (11.75 KiB) Viewed 3099 times

REMEMBER!!
When making a fake ID, attach a picture of yourself only...
no matter how much you love your girl.
'Counterfeit I...D. of the Week'....
This is an actual Drivers License from a traffic stop....
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE
SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM!!

[06bolton5pt3]

Running stop light = $100.00
DUI = $5000.00
Not wearing a seat belt = $50.00
Putting you & your girlfriend on your fake drivers license = PRICELESS

dl.jpg

REMEMBER!!
When making a fake ID, attach a picture of yourself only...
no matter how much you love your girl.
'Counterfeit I...D. of the Week'....
This is an actual Drivers License from a traffic stop....
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE
SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM!!

[moss20]

Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck jokes, you know you're from
California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none
are visible.

2. You make over $400,000 and still can't afford
a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people
carrying on conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple
hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two
mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where
your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the
difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move
you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than
anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at
Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who
looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your
house payment.

13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a
report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and
the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you
leave for work an hour early to avoid all the
weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal?

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your
driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want
to give you one.

[zephyp]

Good grief. Realizing those are jokes --- they are all true!!!!!

[moss20]

The Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in government, education, and in corporate America , more advanced strategies are often employed in such situations, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3.Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Visiting other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5.Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead
horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.And of course . . .

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[moss20]

FIVE RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who
cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who
doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and
who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't
know each other.

[moss20]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'John's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[GS78]

Two Middle East
> mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
> tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.The older of the two
> pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through
> photos. They start reminiscing.
>
>
>
> 'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have
> been 24 years old now.'
>
>
>
> 'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other
> mother cheerfully.
>
>
>
> 'He's a martyr now though,' the mother
> confides.
>
>
>
> 'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.
>
>
>
> 'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been
> 21.'
>
>
>
> 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily,
> 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'
>
>
>
> 'He's a martyr too,' says the mother
> quietly.
>
>
>
> 'Oh, gracious me . . . , ' says the other.
>
>
>
> 'And this is my third son. My baby. My
> beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she
> whispers.
>
>
>
> 'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I
> remember when he first started school.'
>
>
>
> 'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with
> tears in her eyes.
>
>
>
> After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother
> looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for
> the right words, says . . .
>
>
>
> 'They blow up so fast, don't
> they?'

[moss20]

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[herohog]

That's not funny...

[moss20]

On Losing Your Presence Of Mind
(author unknown)

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number five of the accident reporting form I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number seven of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained by presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number seven. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen the injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I'm sorry to report, however, that as I lay there in the bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me... I again lost my presence of mind... and let go of the rope!