I think Tiger is out to play about 18 wrong holesmoss20 wrote:
Elin Nordegren moved to the top of the money list on the PGA tour today after "beating" the world's #1 golfer. The win came after the top golfer played the wrong hole.
A Place To Tell Jokes
-
OakRidgeStars
- VGOF Gold Supporter
- Posts: 14108
- Joined: Sun, 22 Mar 2009 10:13:20
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
One Man's Good Fight
One Man's Good Fight
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to poop yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal buttsplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store...
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to poop yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal buttsplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store...
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
Obama is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.
He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Obama asks, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.
The next night, Obama sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Obama calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?”
"Respect the Constitution" Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night Obama awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering, Obama whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, as I did," FDR replies and fades.
The fourth night Obama sees another figure. Obama pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?”
"Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Obama asks, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.
The next night, Obama sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Obama calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?”
"Respect the Constitution" Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night Obama awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering, Obama whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, as I did," FDR replies and fades.
The fourth night Obama sees another figure. Obama pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?”
"Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
U.S. Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
U.S. Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
U.S. Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines.
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
U.S. Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
U.S. Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines.
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
----- With the winter season upon us, thought this driving tip might come in handy!!! Happy New Year !!
---- Very important invention.
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh poop!"
Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
---- Very important invention.
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh poop!"
Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
-
06bolton5pt3
- Sharp Shooter
- Posts: 178
- Joined: Sun, 19 Jul 2009 21:10:46
- Location: winchester
-
zephyp
- VGOF Platinum Supporter
- Posts: 10207
- Joined: Tue, 05 May 2009 08:40:55
- Location: Springfield, VA
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
Famous last words from true rednecks. Why isnt VA on the list...moss20 wrote:----- With the winter season upon us, thought this driving tip might come in handy!!! Happy New Year !!
---- Very important invention.
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh poop!"
Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
No more catchy slogans for me...I am simply fed up...4...four...4...2+2...
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
Subject: CHRISTMAS PARTY
> > > December 1st
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > >
> > > I'm happy to inform you that the company
> > > Christmas Party will take place on December
> > > 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will
> > > be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band
> > > playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing
> > > along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows
> > > up dressed as Santa Claus to light the
> > > Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees
> > > can be done at that time; however, no gift should
> > > be over $10.
> > > Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Resources Director
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > --
> > >
> > > December 2nd
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
> > > our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is
> > > an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas
> > > (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now
> > > on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
> > > policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa
> > > at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
> > > Christmas carols sung.
> > > Happy Holidays to you and your family.
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Resources Director
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 3rd
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > Regarding the anonymous note I received from a
> > > member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
> > > non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
> > > request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign
> > > on the table that reads, "AA Only," you
> > > won't be anonymous anymore. In addition,
> > > forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be
> > > allowed since the union members feel that
> > > $10 is too much money.
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Researchers Director
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 7th
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
> > > from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the
> > > restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians
> > > do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their
> > > table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the
> > > gay men's table.
> > > Happy now?
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Racehorses Director
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 9th
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting
> > > our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of
> > > "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
> > > connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Ratraces
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 10th
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to
> > > hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it
> > > or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from
> > > the "grill of death," as you put it, and
> > > you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.
> > > But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
> > > scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
> > > I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
> > > I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
> > > you hear me?
> > > The Bitch from Hell
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 14th
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
> > > recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward
> > > your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management
> > > has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
> > > afternoon
> > > of the 23rd off with full pay.
> > > Terri Bishop
> > > Acting Human Resources Director
> > > December 1st
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > >
> > > I'm happy to inform you that the company
> > > Christmas Party will take place on December
> > > 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will
> > > be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band
> > > playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing
> > > along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows
> > > up dressed as Santa Claus to light the
> > > Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees
> > > can be done at that time; however, no gift should
> > > be over $10.
> > > Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Resources Director
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > --
> > >
> > > December 2nd
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
> > > our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is
> > > an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas
> > > (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now
> > > on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
> > > policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa
> > > at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
> > > Christmas carols sung.
> > > Happy Holidays to you and your family.
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Resources Director
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 3rd
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > Regarding the anonymous note I received from a
> > > member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
> > > non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
> > > request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign
> > > on the table that reads, "AA Only," you
> > > won't be anonymous anymore. In addition,
> > > forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be
> > > allowed since the union members feel that
> > > $10 is too much money.
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Researchers Director
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 7th
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
> > > from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the
> > > restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians
> > > do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their
> > > table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the
> > > gay men's table.
> > > Happy now?
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Racehorses Director
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 9th
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting
> > > our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of
> > > "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
> > > connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
> > > Patty Lewis
> > > Human Ratraces
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 10th
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to
> > > hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it
> > > or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from
> > > the "grill of death," as you put it, and
> > > you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.
> > > But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
> > > scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
> > > I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
> > > I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
> > > you hear me?
> > > The Bitch from Hell
> > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > December 14th
> > > TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> > > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
> > > recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward
> > > your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management
> > > has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
> > > afternoon
> > > of the 23rd off with full pay.
> > > Terri Bishop
> > > Acting Human Resources Director
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
NO SEX TONIGHT!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my
puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not
what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit.
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited She must have
thought I was one wave s hort of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop
when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual
satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to
the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had
this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just
love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my
puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not
what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each
outfit.
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited She must have
thought I was one wave s hort of a shipwreck. I started to think she
was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop
when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual
satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to
the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had
this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just
love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
- Arkansas.jpg (28.22 KiB) Viewed 3146 times
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
-
OakRidgeStars
- VGOF Gold Supporter
- Posts: 14108
- Joined: Sun, 22 Mar 2009 10:13:20
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
I wonder how big the "Welcome to D.C." sign would have to be to hold all the names of the sex offenders in government there?moss20 wrote:
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A couple of minutes after that and another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
WAL-MART APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old
senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas .
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first
place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance
package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with
a fabulously wealthy
dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced
bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old
senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas .
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first
place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance
package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with
a fabulously wealthy
dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced
bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
- camel.jpg (23.25 KiB) Viewed 3104 times
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina
A lawyer purchased a box of very
rare and expensive cigars, then insured them
against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer
filed a claim against the insurance company
In his claim, the lawyer stated the
cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to
pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man
had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the
claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a
policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was
obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on
24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used
against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers
Award Contest.
A lawyer purchased a box of very
rare and expensive cigars, then insured them
against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer
filed a claim against the insurance company
In his claim, the lawyer stated the
cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to
pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man
had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the
claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a
policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was
obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on
24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used
against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers
Award Contest.
'those who hammer their guns into plows , will plow for those who don't'
"In a world of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."...George Orwell
"In a world of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."...George Orwell
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
BAR JAR
A fellow walks into a bar,
Notices a very large jar on the counter,
And sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
More than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well.......you pay $10 and
If you pass three tests,
You get all the money and
The keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while,
The man gives the bartender the $10
And the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
In a minute or less, and
You can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
Who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
To drink a quart of tequila, and
Then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and
The man has a few more drinks,
He finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands
And drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
But he doesn't make a face, and
He did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door,
Where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
Growling , biting, and screaming sounds....
Then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that
The man surely must be dead,
He staggers back into the bar,
With his shirt ripped open
And there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.
He says,
'Now where's that old woman
With the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions,
And don't
Trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!
A fellow walks into a bar,
Notices a very large jar on the counter,
And sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
More than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well.......you pay $10 and
If you pass three tests,
You get all the money and
The keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while,
The man gives the bartender the $10
And the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
In a minute or less, and
You can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
Who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
To drink a quart of tequila, and
Then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and
The man has a few more drinks,
He finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands
And drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
But he doesn't make a face, and
He did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door,
Where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
Growling , biting, and screaming sounds....
Then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that
The man surely must be dead,
He staggers back into the bar,
With his shirt ripped open
And there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.
He says,
'Now where's that old woman
With the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions,
And don't
Trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!
"The beauty of the Second Ammendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it."
Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
"Hi Mom, How are you?"
"Hi Son, where are you? I thought you were with your father at Bunning's Hardware."
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth ... why did you do that?"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."
"Hi Son, where are you? I thought you were with your father at Bunning's Hardware."
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth ... why did you do that?"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
The couple who sneaked into the White House
Ladies and Gentlemen;
You heard the rumors on all the gossip shows...
You've read about these two publicity seekers in the news...
You've heard about them on TV...
You've heard speculation about how they were somehow able to
deceive so many inside the system, and breach known protocols...
Their bravado and arrogance is mind-boggling.
Their feat of connivance is legendary...
Now, at last....as a result of exhaustive investigation...
We can FINALLY show you an authentic photo of...
The couple who sneaked into the White House...
without any credentials!!
Ladies and Gentlemen;
You heard the rumors on all the gossip shows...
You've read about these two publicity seekers in the news...
You've heard about them on TV...
You've heard speculation about how they were somehow able to
deceive so many inside the system, and breach known protocols...
Their bravado and arrogance is mind-boggling.
Their feat of connivance is legendary...
Now, at last....as a result of exhaustive investigation...
We can FINALLY show you an authentic photo of...
The couple who sneaked into the White House...
without any credentials!!
- couple.jpg (141.4 KiB) Viewed 3005 times
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
Can't have blonde jokes without redhead jokes too:
Q: How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds.
Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something.
Q: You know when a blonde has been using a computer by the whiteout on the screen. So how do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.
Q: What's the difference between an angry redhead and a terrorist?
Q: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the mating call of a blonde? "I'm so drunk!"
What's the mating call of a brunette? "Are the blondes gone yet?"
What's the mating call of a redhead? "NEXT!"
Q: What's the Redhead Dating Motto?
A: The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
Q: What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
A: A redhead won't accept a three and a half inch anything.
Q: What is the difference between a bitch and redhead?
A: Not a damn thing, but you better not tell her that.
Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
A: She unties you
Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal.
If you love a redhead, set her free. If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front yard, and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.
Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way. The other is to let her have it.
---------------------------
A redhead accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely
die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he
is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare
an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably
had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his
stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a
week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a
year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
---------------------------------
A young man marrying a redhead asked his father for some marital advice. The father said, "Just remind her who wears the pants in your family." The evening arrived, the new husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She did and said "I don't fit into these." "That's right!" he said, "so don't you forget who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He looked at them and said, "I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right - and you won't until your attitude changes."
Q: How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds.
Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something.
Q: You know when a blonde has been using a computer by the whiteout on the screen. So how do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.
Q: What's the difference between an angry redhead and a terrorist?
Q: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the mating call of a blonde? "I'm so drunk!"
What's the mating call of a brunette? "Are the blondes gone yet?"
What's the mating call of a redhead? "NEXT!"
Q: What's the Redhead Dating Motto?
A: The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
Q: What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
A: A redhead won't accept a three and a half inch anything.
Q: What is the difference between a bitch and redhead?
A: Not a damn thing, but you better not tell her that.
Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
A: She unties you
Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal.
If you love a redhead, set her free. If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front yard, and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.
Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way. The other is to let her have it.
---------------------------
A redhead accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely
die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he
is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare
an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably
had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his
stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a
week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a
year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
---------------------------------
A young man marrying a redhead asked his father for some marital advice. The father said, "Just remind her who wears the pants in your family." The evening arrived, the new husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She did and said "I don't fit into these." "That's right!" he said, "so don't you forget who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He looked at them and said, "I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right - and you won't until your attitude changes."
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach