A Place To Tell Jokes

moss20 · Post by **moss20** » Fri, 27 Nov 2009 17:13:35

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?"

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, "This is the one. This one right here!"

Terribly impressed, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"By the nail over its stall," Amy explains.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.

moss20 · Post by **moss20** » Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:21:15

New Dog Breeds

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier +Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu = Oh, never mind...

smc331 · Post by **smc331** » Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:44:11

@ the dog breeds....

moss20 · Post by **moss20** » Sat, 28 Nov 2009 19:43:42

Riddle me this--

Q: What do you call a dozen sky-diving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
A. New Jersey got to choose.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The diphthong.

Q: What is a lawyer's ideal weight?
A: About five pounds, including the urn.

Q: How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 75?
A: Your honor.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
A: People will try to avoid hitting a pothole.

Q: What's the difference between an accident and a calamity?
A: It's an accident when a bus full of lawyers plunges off the road into a river. It's a calamity if they can swim.

Q. What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?
A. One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger. The other is a fish.

Q. Why don't sharks ever attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

One day a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back, amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It was beautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "How much?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollar," the shopkeeper replied. "Hundred dollar with story." Five dollars seemed like a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live without knowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it. As he wandered on through the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed with surprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, the sewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him. Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened. Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled the brass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands of rats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began to drown. Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The old Chinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You come back for story?" he asked. The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know if you had a brass lawyer."

Q. Why are scientists now using lawyers in laboratory experiments instead of rats?
A. Three reasons: 1) lawyers are more plentiful than rats; 2) there is no danger the scientists will become attached to the lawyers; and 3) there are some things rats just won't do.

After Mark Twain finished addressing a New England society banquet, the attorney William M. Evarts stood up, hands in his pockets, and remarked, "Does it not seem unusual to this gathering that a professional humorist should really appear funny?" To which Mark Twain replied, "Does it not also appear strange to this assembly that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?"

Whatever their other contributions to our society, lawyers could be an important source of protein.

The judge declared at the beginning of trial: "Counsel for the defense has paid me $15,000 to find for his client. Counsel for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to find for hers. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

Snollygoster. n. A devious, inept, talkative, or unethical lawyer; a shyster. [U.S. slang and colloquial, since c. 1860]

"All lawyers are assholes!" declared a man in a bar.
"I resent that!" someone replied.
"Why, are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an ass!"

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark cellar at midnight looking for a black cat that isn't there. He is distinguished from a theologian, in that the theologian finds the cat. He is also distinguished from a lawyer, who smuggles in a cat in his overcoat pocket, and emerges to produce it in triumph.

The telephone rang late one night at the governor's mansion. After a long argument the aide who took the call reluctantly agreed to wake the governor.
"What's so damned important it couldn't wait until morning?" demanded the governor.
"Judge Ferret just died," explained the aide, "and this lawyer wants to take his place."
The governor smiled grimly. "Well, you just tell him that if it's okay with the undertaker, it's okay with me."

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
.....

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
...
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
...
What's the difference between God and an attorney?
God doesn't think he's an attorney.
...
How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
Other lawyers look interested.
...
If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
Who cares?
...
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
...
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

moss20 · Post by **moss20** » Sat, 28 Nov 2009 20:43:43

Discovery Of The Heaviest Element Yet Known To Science

The Whitehouse research department has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium."

Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization.

In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

You will know it when you see it...

moss20 · Post by **moss20** » Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:29:43

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts:

"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have poop in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English:

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

Post by **allingeneral** » Wed, 02 Dec 2009 09:30:19

My house is the one on the right...

Post by **OakRidgeStars** » Wed, 02 Dec 2009 15:47:04

If I had that many lights where I live, I'd have Navy jets circling my house waiting to land

moss20 · Post by **moss20** » Wed, 02 Dec 2009 21:55:57

There's this old farmer up in the mountains who had a farm. He also had three young and comely daughters. Well one Saturday night they all three of them were expecting their beaus to come a-courtin', and the farmer sat whittling by the fire while his girls busied themselves primping.
Sure enough, around 7: 30 there comes a knock at the door. The farmer gets up and goes answers the door to find a handsome young man standing there with a fistful of posies.
"Hi," says he, "I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"
So Betty goes off with Eddie, and around 8 there comes another knock at the door. So the farmer goes answers the door and there's a young fellow standing out there and he says
"Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"
And sure enough, Flo heads out with Joe, and at about 8:30 there's another knock at the door. So the farmer goes answers the door and there's a dashing young lad standing on the porch and he says
"Hi, I'm Chuck..."
And the farmer shot him dead where he stood.

moss20 · Post by **moss20** » Wed, 02 Dec 2009 22:09:03

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale couldn't swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

gfost1 · Post by **gfost1** » Thu, 03 Dec 2009 18:58:03

Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation:

"Would you marry someone who was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy and sarcastic?"

"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.

"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."

moss20 · Post by **moss20** » Sat, 05 Dec 2009 02:14:07

A man had 2 black eyes. His co-worker asked him what happened.
Man: I was in church on Sunday and when the woman in the pew in front of me stood up to sing, her dress was stuck in her butt crack. It looked uncomfortable, so I helped her out by reaching over the pew and plucking it out. She turned around and punched me in my right eye.

C-W: Well, I can sure understand that. What about the other eye.

Man: Well, when I realized she didn't like me doing that, I pushed it back in.

moss20 · Post by **moss20** » Sat, 05 Dec 2009 02:25:39

Bartenders' Psychology

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's or a man's personality based on what she / he drinks.

Even though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost ALL counts.

The results for
WOMEN
who drink :
------------
Beer

Personality:
Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach:
Challenge her to a game of pool.

------------------

Blender Drinks

Personality:
Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach:
Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

-------------------

Mixed Drinks

Personality:
Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach:
You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink . . .

---------------------

Wine
(does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality:
Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach:
Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

-----------------

White Zinfandel

Personality:
Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach:
Make her feel smarter than she is . . . this should be an easy target.

-------------------

Shots

Personality:
Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk and naked.
Your Approach:
Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

-----------------

Tequila

No explanations required. everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

-----------------

The results for MEN

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

------------------

Domestic Beer

He's poor and wants to get laid.

---------

Imported Beer

He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

-----------

Wine

He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

-----------

Whiskey

He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

-----------

Tequila

He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

----------

White Zinfandel

He's gay!

moss20 · Post by **moss20** » Sun, 06 Dec 2009 10:10:25

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie......but this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon

The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Post by **allingeneral** » Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:20:36

Gotta have your priorities straight!

Post by **OakRidgeStars** » Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:31:05

my eyes... my eyes....

Post by **OakRidgeStars** » Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:34:40

Post by **allingeneral** » Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:36:32

LOL HAHAHAHA

moss20 · Post by **moss20** » Tue, 08 Dec 2009 22:41:00

Top 15 Tiger Woods Jokes

15. Why did Tiger leave the house so early? He has a 2:30 tree time.

14. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

13. Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

12. What do a Cadillac SUV and a Nike golf ball have in common? Tiger Woods can drive them both into the trees.

11. Tiger’s car still runs, but it goes “putt, putt, putt…”

10. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.

9. Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."

8. Elin found out he’s not a Tiger, he’s a Cheetah.

7. Elin's excuse? She had to play a bad lie.

6. Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She’s teaching Phil Mickelson how to beat Tiger.

5. Tiger said the fault of the accident was his Escalade. It’s typical of a golfer—always blames the caddy.

4. Tiger Woods has a lot of cars, now he has a “hole in one”.

3. Tiger’s confused. Every other time he made a hole-in-one, everyone was all happy about it.

2. Best Tiger Joke – Runner Up

What do baby seals and Tiger Woods have in common? Both were clubbed by a Scandanavian.

1. And the Winner is:

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

fireman836 · Post by **fireman836** » Wed, 09 Dec 2009 12:18:20

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question..

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' Exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Lord, Give me a sense of humor Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks!

Virginia Gun Owners Forum - VGOF

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