A little light-hearted dumbassery............

[dorminWS]

1. Dark is faster than light, otherwise you would see it.
2. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
3. Heck is reserved for those who don't believe in Gosh.
4. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
5. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
6. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
7. I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it...
8. I stepped on a Tetanus needle today.... now what?
9. I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.
10. I wanted to be a comedian but everyone laughed at me.
11. I'm a virgin. I'm just not very good at it.
12. I'm amoral, and it's been bothering my conscience.
13. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
14. If it's not violent or naked, what good is it?
15. If we can't stop censorship now, we're f*cked
16. My other car has a siren.
17. My other car is coming up behind you.
18. You dyslexic batsard!
19. (An intelligent dyslexic is smucking fart)
20. You should hardly ever equivocate.
21. Art imitates my life.
22. Cannibals never eat clowns because they taste funny.
23. Care to join me in a barbaric mating ritual?
24. Supersadomasochisticexpialidocious!
25. What's another word for synonym?
26. When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.
27. Women are lucky, they can get p*ssy whenever they want.
28. You can find out a lot about paranoids just by following them around.
29. All rules have exceptions - except the ones that don't.
30. Diplomacy is the art of letting somebody have your way.
31. I practice traditional birth control, I eat my young.
32. I tried to be apathetic but I couldn't commit.
33. It takes two heterosexuals to make one homosexual.
34. A cheap dominatrix would offer bargain debasement prices.
35. A procrastinator's work is never done.
36. aibohphobia, (n.) The fear of palindromes.
37. Alzheimer's - You get to hide your own Easter eggs.
38. Arachnohomophobia: Fear of gay spiders.
39. Back the Metric System every inch of the way!
40. Condom companies have trojan wars.
41. Cunning linguists do it with words.
42. Diplomacy - saying nice doggy 'til you find a rock.
43. Don't be happy, worry.
44. Electricians do it 'till it Hz.
45. Everywhere's walking distance if you have the time.
46. Few men look trustworthy with their pants off.
47. Flip over, I want a puppy.
48. Helmet Laws interfere with natural selection.
49. I almost saw Elvis but my shovel broke...
50. Never stick it in anything you can't see clearly
51. Time - just one damn thing after another
52. What if there were no hypothetical situations?
53. Where did Cain get his wife? Don't ask, don't tell
54. You can observe a lot by just watching
55. You do know what a leading question is, don't you?
56. You've got to take the bitter with the sour
57. 75% of all statistics are made up to win an argument
58. All my cruel acts are justified by the fact that I am a cruel person
59. God created silk so women could be naked when fully clothed
60. I often daydream about my inability to fantasize
61. I studied Chinese philosophy; an hour later I was wondering again
62. I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.
63. I've achieved total indecisiveness... I think
64. If God doesn't have a sense of humor, none of us is getting in
65. In dog years, I'm dead
66. My anachronisms are out-of-date
67. No two equals are the same
68. Nymphomania - An illness you hear about but never encounter
69. President of the Tempura Shelter For Lightly Battered Women
70. That which does not kill us makes us stranger
71. A sufficiently advanced god would use evolution
72. Backsliding atheist
73. Those darned Unitarians burned a question mark on my lawn!
74. I bought a love machine, but it's out of ardor.
75. I love animals ... and have been arrested for it
76. I was in love with a dozen soldiers once, but it was just platoonic
77. I'd like to meet the man who invented sex & see what he's working on now
78. If I owned a candy factory, I'd make a mint.
79. Jesus was a Jew, but only on his mother's side.
80. Jesus: Love thy neighbor. Matthew 22:39 Elvis: Don't be cruel. RCA,1956. Coincidence?
81. A cube is just an extended square
82. Athiests have no one to talk to during sex
83. Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people
84. Common sense is what tells you the world is flat
85. Cute rots the intellect
86. Drink your coffee, there are poor people in India sleeping right now.
87. Earthquake predictors are fault-finders
88. Every day another day goes by
89. Friction is a drag
90. History repeats itself because nobody listens
91. Honest officer, that cat was on fire when I got there!
92. I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
93. I'd rather be flogging the peasants
94. I'll agree with you for as long as I can see your boobs
95. If you ain't Moslem, you ain't Shiite.
96. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand
97. Is it discrimination if no one will sexually harass you?
98. Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing...
99. Obviously the "C" in "rap" is silent.
100. Purely out of curiosity, how old is your daughter?
101. Sex makes strange bedfellows
102. There's no future in time travel
103. Vegetables are what food eats
104. When in Rome, do as the Visigoths do
105. Whenever I think about the past it brings back so many memories...
106. White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship
107. Who ever said that reality had to work right?
108. Without gravity, birds would die and stay up there
109. An orgasm is a gland finale
110. Australian beer is made out of kangaroo hops
111. Avoid mailmen, they're carriers
112. Bigamy: One wife too many. Monogamy: Same thing.
113. Capitalism: Man exploiting man. Socialism: The reverse.
114. Circular Definition: see Circular Definition
115. Conservative (n) Liberal who has been mugged
116. Do televangelists do more than lay people?
117. Egyptian back doctors are cairopractors
118. Freud was an ambivalence chaser
119. Heaven hath no spam...
120. I want to live with a synonym girl
121. If a tree fell on a mime, would anyone hear it?
122. It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
123. Mary had a little lamb, support Planned Parenthood.
124. Meditation is not what you think.
125. My monogram company had an initial success.
126. No really, I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.
127. Quick! Pick a color from 1 to 10.
128. Sadism means never having to say you are sorry.
129. What the hell is "opposite sex"?
130. 2+2=5, for extremely large values of 2.
131. Philosophy is a study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.
132. Programmers Wanted: Some assembly required...
133. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
134. Trust in God, but lock your car.
135. What if you get scared half to death twice?
136. Why isn't "phonetically" spelled that way?
137. Zen Druidry - transcendental vegetation.

[thekinetic]

Nice but number 123 is an old joke: Mary had a little lamb, well maybe she should stop having sex with sheep!

Also: Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - the fear of long words!

[SHMIV]

#13 sounds like Federal policy.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[OakRidgeStars]

I'd like to dedicate #100 to Jared (formerly) from Subway.

[thekinetic]

I'd like to dedicate #100 to Jared (formerly) from Subway.

Yeah he certainly liked them fresh!

[MarcSpaz]

#13 sounds like Federal policy.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

You mean like, the debt has been cut in half, unemployment is at an all-time low, if you like your doctor you can keep him, ISIS has been contained and Muslims have nothing to do with terrorism.

One of my favorite radio personalities Chris Plante has two expressions I love. When it comes to Libs lying... it depends what the meaning of "is" is; and, if it weren't for double standards, they'd have no standards at all.

[SHMIV]

Lol, yeah, that pretty much covers it.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[AlanM]

36. aibohphobia, (n.) The fear of palindromes.

Of course the antonym of aibohphobia is ailihphilia.

ailihphilia, (n.) The love of palindromes.

[dorminWS]

LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?
A LEXOPHILE, OF COURSE!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can
stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it
dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but
I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been
stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

[MNMGoneShooting]

I wish I knew that was there during our snowmagheddon. Those were great reading!