A Place To Tell Jokes

[OakRidgeStars]

What Does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after sex?

"I'll be home in twenty minutes"

[TheGodfather]

[AlanM]

This reminded me of a true story from the 1996 Atlanta Olympic games.
Sometimes you just can't make up stuff as funny (and tragic) as true life.

Dumb and Dumber

[Kreutz]

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

[MarcSpaz]

A guy walks into a bar. He has 3 ducks under his arms. He says, 'Hey bartender... can you keep an eye on my ducks while I use the rest room?" With no one else in the bar and the bartender thinking this can't get any worse, he simply says "Sure."

So, while the guy was gone, the bartender thinking he was being funny looks at one of the ducks and says "So, what's your name?" The duck replied "I'm Huey." The bartender in complete shock says "wow, you can talk?" Huey says "of course; we all do; that's why we get dragged all over the place." The bartender says "That stinks. How's your day going?" Huey says "Oh, wonderful. I've been in and out of puddles all day."

So, the bartender looks at one of the other ducks and says "What's your name?" The second duck replied "I'm Dewy!" The bartender says "Well Dewy, nice to meet you. How's your day?" Dewy says "Just great. I've been in and out of puddles all day!"

So the bartender just chuckles and looks at the third duck. The bartender says "So, I guess your name is Louie then?" The third duck replies "NO! My name is Puddles and DON'T ask me how my day has been!!!"

[speezack]

Lady walks into the Vets with a dead duck in a basket.

She asks the doctor to take a look at her duck.

He shakes his head and says... "very sorry ma'am but the duck is dead"

"Oh no" she says... "please look closer, I know he may come around".

"No ma'am, the duck is definitely dead"

"Please take one more closer look".

The doctors goes in the other room and brings our a black lab who walks over, smells the duck, shakes his doggy head and leaves...

"Sorry ma'am, the duck is definitely dead..."

"Please try just one more time, I just know he is going to come around"

The doctor goes back in the other room and returns with a large black Persian cat....

The cat walks over to the duck, sniffs the duck, shakes it's head and leaves the room...

"Again, ma'am... very sorry but the duck is absolutely dead"

"Well, I suppose you have done your best, how much do I owe you... ?"

"$500.00 !!!"

"Five hundred dollars !!!!! My God doctor, the duck was dead!!"

"Yes ma'am, he was, but you ask for more proof and we had to do lab work and a cat scan... "

[speezack]

This story is true!!

An old friend of mine, whom we will call Dennis, known for his wit, was working in a grocery store in the very rural community we live in....

An old maid school teacher, whom we will call Miss Judith , well known in town, came in one afternoon looking to buy a chicken for dinner.

She walked over to the fresh meat area and picked up a chicken and looked at my friend and asked...

"Dennis, is this chicken fresh?"...

Dennis looked at her and smiled and said, "Certainly Miss Judith, certainly is fresh"...

She picked the chicken up... grabbed both legs... spread them and stuck her nose in the cavity of the chickens spread legs, took a big sniff.... and exclaimed.... "Dennis, are you sure this chicken is fresh?"....

Dennis, without missing a beat... looked at her and smiled and said.... "Good God Miss Judith, I don't think Marilyn Monroe could pass that test!".....

[MarcSpaz]

OMG!

[Kreutz]

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks: "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

[Swampman]

Pastor told this one at church this past Sunday.

Fred goes to visit Bob. Both his ears are bandaged. Bob says, "My goodness Fred, what happened?" Fred says, "Well, I was ironing a shirt and very intent on getting the wrinkles out. A friend called and without thinking I put the iron up to my ear." "That's terrible", says Bob! A few seconds pass, then Bob says, "Well what happened to the other ear?" Fred says, "My friend called back."

[Taggure]

Splinters in her crotch......this is clean/funny!

A woman from San Francisco, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a
large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view
of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local
ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat,
an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to
go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat
and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told
her, "Well, I had to get permits from the EPA, the Forest Service, and the Bureau
of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area"
so close to a waste treatment facility.

I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare...they turned you down.”

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

[SHMIV]

Lmao.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[Taggure]

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

By
Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."
In
Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."

In
Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In
Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In
Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In
Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."

In
Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In
Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate.

In
North Carolina, Texas, Mississippi, Tennessee, and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

And, in
Kentucky and Virginia he'd just be "A pal with a few guns who's a little short on ammo."

[MarcSpaz]

AMEN to that!

[Postalman]

A man died and when he went to Heaven he met St. Peter at the holy gate. He couldn't help but notice a wall full of clocks behind St. Peter. The man inquired about the clocks and was told that each person has their own clock set to 12:00 and the minute hand moves one minute each time that person lies.
The man asked about a certain clock still set at 12:00. St. Peter told the man that clock belonged to Mother Teresa and she never lied.
The man, upon seeing a clock set to 12:02, asked St. Peter whose clock that was. St. Peter said, "That clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and he only lied twice in his life."
Puzzled but curious, the man asked where Obama's clock was.
St. Peter told the man, "It's in the next room. God is using it for a ceiling fan!"

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[OakRidgeStars]

A married man is approaching his 25 year anniversary and because he loves his wife very much, he tells her he will take her for a vacation anywhere in the world. So she tells him she would like to go to Israel; always wanted to see the holy land. So the husband says OK, and then she says, "but we need to take my mother along with us."
The husband has never liked or gotten along with his MIL, but, as I said, he loves his wife very much, so he acquiesces. So all three of them go to Israel and are having a lovely time seeing all the sites until the mother all of a sudden collapses from heart failure and despite the Israeli doctors' best efforts, she dies.

So the hospital tells him they can make arrangements with an funeral home to have the MIL buried in Israel, at a cost of $500. Or, arrangements could be made to have the body shipped home to America, and by the time all the fees are paid, it would be about $5,000. The husband says, "I'd rather have her buried in America."

"Wait", the hospital rep says, "You'd rather go to the expense of shipping your MIL home when you could bury her here for far less money? Why is that?"

The husband replies, "Well, you see, a while back you had a guy who died, was buried, but came back to life after 3 days, and I don't want to take any chances!"

[Taggure]

Just had to start the week off with a joke

Love Dress

This mom is driving through town when she decides to stop by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocks twice on the door then immediately walks in.
She is stunned to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch with no clothes on. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the smell of perfume fills the room.
Instead of leaving immediately the mother-in- law asks “What are you doing?!”
“I’m waiting for Steve to come home from the gym,” the daughter-in- law explains.
“But you’re not wearing any clothes!” the mother-in-law exclaims.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law answers.
“Love dress? Your not wearing a dress!”
“Steve loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can’t get enough of me!”
The mother-in-law decides it is getting a little awkward leaves, but she is inspired by what she has learned.
When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic music, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband to get home from Target. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.
“What are you doing?” her husband asks.
“This is my love dress,” whispers the mother-in-law.
“Needs ironing,” he says. “What’s for lunch?
He never heard the gunshot.

[OakRidgeStars]

An Indian, a Negro, a Muslim and an Australian were walking together on a Queensland beach when the Negro stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and........ a Genie appeared!

"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece"

Pointing at the Negro, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

He thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland."

Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all my peoples back to our homeland!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people way from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah."

Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

He said, "Look, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better
than this!"

[OakRidgeStars]

Froze to Death

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second man. “That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” asks the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.

How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic” he says. “What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

[OakRidgeStars]

Happy Friday