Lexophile?

[dorminWS]

Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.


... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... W hen the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.


And the cream of the twisted crop:

... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN;
IT'S CHEAP MEDICINE!

[dorminWS]

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
2. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
3. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
4. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
5. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
6. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
7. The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
8. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
9. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
10. A backward poet writes inverse.
11. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
12. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
13. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
14. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
15. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
16. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
17. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
18. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
19. A calendar’s days are numbered.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
22. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
24. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
25. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine. (my favorite)

[thekinetic]

1. I was bored until the man upstairs dropped a clock out the window, then time flew by.
2. The printer fell into the printing machine, the next day the news paper was red all over.
3. Jewelers and jailers are very similar, one sells watches and the other watches cells.
4. I found a penny the other day, that makes cents.
5. A man at my door said he needed to make a call, I said telephone.

[CCFan]

There is no running in a campground, only ran - it's all past tents.

[dorminWS]

Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

[Ironbear]

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Woman in the shop did the same thing... disaster!

[dorminWS]

Did you hear about the lady out in California that was driving down the road using a vibrator and ran over a pedestrian?

He didn’t see her errr...uuuhh.....uummm....APPROACHING.


Sorry, folks, couldn't resist it.

[Reverenddel]

ROTFLMAO!

[thekinetic]

1. Did you hear about the man who farted in church, he was sitting in a pew.
2. I tried to catch some fog, I mist.
3. They told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.
4. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
5. How does Moses make his tea, Hebrews it.
6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
7. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!