A Place To Tell Jokes

[moss20]

HEADLINE: "D.C. Police are "cracking" down on speeders. For the first
offense, they give you two Redskins tickets. (If you get stopped a
second
time, they give you two Nationals tickets.)"

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the
Super Bowl?
A. The WashingtonRedskins.

Q. What do the Redskins and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q. How do you keep the Redskins out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. Where do you go in D.C. in case of a tornado?
A. To FedEx Field - they never have a touchdown there!

Q. What do you call a Redskin with a Super Bowl ring?
A. Senior Citizen

Q. What's the difference between the Redskins and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Redskins does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. We may never find out in the 21st century.

Q. What do the Redskins and opossums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

[BluemontGlock]

Moss gets the WIN for todeay for 2 great ones in a row...!

[TheGodfather]

Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58.
The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.

While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
----------------------------------------------
Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

----------------------------------------------
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

----------------------------------------------
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

----------------------------------------------
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

----------------------------------------------
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

(There are no wrong answers.)

----------------------------------------------
Teaching Math In 2005
Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

[TheGodfather]

A little girl walked into a pet shop and politely asked the man behind the counter:
"Excuth me thir. Do you have any wabbith here?"

Man: "Awww, of courth we do. Do you want a white rabbit or a bwack rabbit?"

Girl: "I weally don't think my python givth a thit!"

[TheGodfather]

A German college student had a Polish roomate who was a freshman. At the beginning of the semester, they discussed the classes they were signing up for. During the conversation, the German mentioned that he was taking a class called "Assumptive Thinking".

Pole: "Assumptive Thinking - what's that?"
German: "It's hard to explain, so let me give an example. Do you have a weedeater?"
Pole: "Um... yeah."
German: "Well then, if you have a weedeater, I assume you have a yard."
Pole: "Yeah, I've got a yard."
German: " "If you have a yard, I assume you have a house."
Pole: "Uh, yeah I do."
German: "If you have a house, I assume you have a family."
Pole: "You're right! I do have a family."
German: "If you have a family, I assume you have a wife."
Pole: "I sure do!"
German: " If you have a wife, I assume you're a heterosexual."
Pole: "Wow! That's awesome! I'm gonna sign up for that class."

The next day, the Polish freshman is talking with a friend and begins to tell him about his exciting new class.

Friend: "Assumptive Thinking - what's that?"
Pole: "It's hard to explain, so let me give an example. Do you have a weedeater?"
Friend: "No."
Pole: "Well you're a homosexual!!!"

[GS78]

A German college student had a Polish roomate who was a freshman. At the beginning of the semester, they discussed the classes they were signing up for. During the conversation, the German mentioned that he was taking a class called "Assumptive Thinking".

Pole: "Assumptive Thinking - what's that?"
German: "It's hard to explain, so let me give an example. Do you have a weedeater?"
Pole: "Um... yeah."
German: "Well then, if you have a weedeater, I assume you have a yard."
Pole: "Yeah, I've got a yard."
German: " "If you have a yard, I assume you have a house."
Pole: "Uh, yeah I do."
German: "If you have a house, I assume you have a family."
Pole: "You're right! I do have a family."
German: "If you have a family, I assume you have a wife."
Pole: "I sure do!"
German: " If you have a wife, I assume you're a heterosexual."
Pole: "Wow! That's awesome! I'm gonna sign up for that class."

The next day, the Polish freshman is talking with a friend and begins to tell him about his exciting new class.

Friend: "Assumptive Thinking - what's that?"
Pole: "It's hard to explain, so let me give an example. Do you have a weedeater?"
Friend: "No."
Pole: "Well you're a homosexual!!!"

thats funny, I don't care who you are.."lord please forgive me, and be with the pygmys in new guinnea..."

[OakRidgeStars]

Pole: "It's hard to explain, so let me give an example. Do you have a weedeater?"
Friend: "No."
Pole: "Well you're a homosexual!!!"

I'm going to tell this one to the neighbor that keeps borrowing my weedeater

[moss20]

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their Asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

[Palladin]

Har de har har...

[zephyp]

Good post. Someone once said that a government large enough to give you everything you want is large enough to take everything you have.

[TheGodfather]

Did you ever hear the one about the old Indian chief who drank too much tea before going to bed?

He died in his teapee.

[TheGodfather]

So this blond girl runs home from school yelling "Mommy, mommy all the other kids in class can only count to 5, but I can count to ten!"

The Mom replies "That's wonderful, darling", her daughter asks "Mommy, is it because I'm blond?" And the Mother replied "Yes, it is sweety"

The next day, the blond girl runs home from school yelling "Mommy, mommy I can say all my ABCs and the other kids in class can't! Is it because I'm blond?"

The Mom replies "Yes, darling, it is"

The next day the blond girl runs home from school and says "Mommy, mommy all the other girls in P.E are flat and I have big boobs! Is it because I'm blond?"

Her Mom replies "No Dear, it's because you're 35!"

[TheGodfather]

Edit: Oops! This joke had already been posted.

[wylde007]

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs... Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5

YMMV.

Wife 1.0 is very buggy. Rarely does it run as expected nor as promised.

[allingeneral]

Fall Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
(No offense ladies - TheWife sent this to me!)

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Thursday October 30, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..



Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.



Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and
Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.



Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM



Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM



Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.



Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.



Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.



Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers
Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined



Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[06bolton5pt3]

HAHAHA this thread is awesome!

[GS78]

Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58.
The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.

While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
----------------------------------------------
Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

----------------------------------------------
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

----------------------------------------------
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

----------------------------------------------
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

----------------------------------------------
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

(There are no wrong answers.)

----------------------------------------------
Teaching Math In 2005
Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

is this logger still in business?

[Palladin]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

[zephyp]

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

[GS78]

thats funny, I dont care who you are..