A Place To Tell Jokes

[OakRidgeStars]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.

I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for 20.00?

How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

[dorminWS]

CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL
This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...

I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted!.....................

[OakRidgeStars]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee..
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!


WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides,
it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee..'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says. 'HEBREWS'


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[OakRidgeStars]

I just swallowed some of my Scrabble tiles! My next crap could spell disaster!

[Palladin]

Dang, Jay, you are on a roll!

[dorminWS]

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Naaaah. The reason men need fewer words than women is because we get multiple uses out of the same words. For instance, think of how many different ways we use words like sh#t, f#ck, and d@mn. We guys can use those words as every part of speech in the English book. And most women won’t even say them unless they’re REALLY pissed (and there’s another one of them words, come to think of it). Women just don't possess our gift for creative expression. And they lack our proficiency with the oh-so-versatile 4-letter Anglo-Saxon expletive.

[JimS]

　
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey, where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."

The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up". The bartender opens his dictionary to panda and reads, "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[OakRidgeStars]

What's the mostly widely used dating website in Arkansas?

Ancestry.com

[OakRidgeStars]

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison

[dorminWS]

For my grammatically correct friends....Remember this..


On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder
warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and
then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you
have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How
do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does,
the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition , because we could end up with a dangling
participle .

[allingeneral]

LOL. Good one!

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 2

[Kreutz]

Here we go

What did Trayvon Martin get for his last birthday?

Your bike.

What should Gorge Zimmerman have been found guilty of?

Littering.

Did you hear George Zimmerman is starting a new neighborhood watch group for little people?

He's calling them the midgilantes.

Not many know this, but Trayvon Martin was an aspiring rapper. His smash hit was called "the pavement".

Have you heard George Zimmerman lost his position as neighborhood watch?

He did a terrible job making sure Trayvon Martin got home safely.

[moss20]

Have you heard about the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?



It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

[moss20]

CHARLIE SAYS: "Daddy, how was I born?"
DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed
little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"

[Chasbo00]

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person &
everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls
for it.

[dorminWS]

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.


Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer


Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the women next door
Ugly: So are you


Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.


Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter "borrowed" them


Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you in your own clothes.


Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting you
Ugly: With corrections.


Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you

[Taggure]

I never said that I was the Politically Correct Type so beware if your are sensitive

Sexual advice
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do," she answered.
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it," she responded.
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
"The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think people like Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Diane Feinstein, Mayor Bloomberg, Chuck Schumer and Barack Obama came from?"

[TheGodfather]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a "Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb #$%$ put him up there to begin with."

[Kreutz]

The other day I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye, a tell-take sign of domestic violence.


I then got very concerned, and made sure I gave her my order very slowly and clearly, since she obviously has a listening problem.

[JustinCase]

I laughed my ass off! Thanks guys!
JC