A Place To Tell Jokes

[Chasbo00]

http://www.dontevenreply.com/

Enjoy!

Excellent read - thanks!

[Kreutz]

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.


Bartender looks up and says, 'What the hell is this, some kind of joke?!"

One of the few clean jokes I know.

[Greybeard]

http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is- ... =1298512-4

[Palladin]

http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is- ... =1298512-4

[moss20]

Called the suicide hotline yesterday, and after pressing one for English, I was transferred to a call center in Pakistan, and when I told the person I was suicidal they asked if I could drive a truck.

[Kreutz]

One day, Esther approaches her Rabbi after the service and says to him, "Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the Rabbi asks.
"They only know how to say, 'Hello, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?'"

"Why, that's terrible!" the Rabbi says, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house tomorrow and I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and read Hebrew. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Oh thank you, Rabbi," Esther replies.

The next day esther brings her female parrots to the Rabbi's house. His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in their cage. Esther puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hello, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put away the sscrolls! Our prayers have been answered!"

[Taggure]

Mule Trading

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville , MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis &Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollarsapiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms.

One in office
One in prison

[Taggure]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE

[allingeneral]

Hey - he was hot!

[dorminWS]

Hey - he was hot!

skinning-rabbit-sweatshirt.jpg

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Are you SURE that's funny?

[allingeneral]

eh...I got a little chuckle out of it.

[Reverenddel]

Cracked me up, and the hunters I sent it too.

Not really a joke, but a conversation that struck me funny. I was talking about how I wouldn't mind getting one of the old police cars, and fix it up for when the kids get old enough to drive.

One of the Brothas' I work with was saying how popular it was to buy those in the hood now.

I asked him why.

He shrugged, and said "I guess the lil' thugs rode so often in the back, they can appreciate a decent ride".

I blinked, then burst out laughing. He didn't get it. I explained
"That's a helluva test ride... in CUFFS!"

[CapnDiesel]

An elderly couple are dealing with their failing memories by writing everything down so that they don't for get what they're doing. One evening, they are sitting in the living room watching TV when the husband stands up.

"Where are you going?" asks the wife.

"I'm going to the kitchen" he replies.

"Can you bring me a bowl of vanilla ice cream? You better write it down so you don't forget" she says.

"You want a bowl of vanilla ice cream. Don't worry, I won't forget" he says as he starts to walk out of the room. He takes a couple of steps and his wife says. "Can you put some whipped cream on it? You better write that down because I know you're going to forget that"

He responds "You want a bowl of vanilla ice cream with whipped cream. Don't worry, I won't forget" As he's about to leave the room she says "Oh and can you put some cherries on it? You better write that down because I know you're going to forget"

"You want a bowl of vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and cherries, don't worry, I won't forget" he says as he leaves the room.

20 minutes later he returns and places a plate of bacon and eggs on her lap. She looks at the plate, then back up at her husband and asks "Where's my toast?"

[rlbellco72]

How God created VIRGINIA -


God was missing for six days. On the seventh day, Michael, the archangel, found him - resting. He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look, Michael.. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet" replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm confused." God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, he said, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and asked, "What's that one?" "That's VIRGINIA, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, ocean, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from VIRGINIA are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God?

You said there would be balance...."

God smiled, "Right next to VIRGINIA is Washington, DC. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

[rlbellco72]

Brilliant Law Student....

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer.

So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.

And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

[Taggure]

Ammunition Is Getting Scarce

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my Truck and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy". "Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got?"

[Palladin]

[RWBlue01]

The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a
customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"

"Nothin' , said the Irishman,

"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

***********************************************

The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman.

"I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman..

***********************************************

Water to wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on
the floor of the car.

He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,

"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***********************************************

The Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,

"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,

"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
are falling' victim to temptation."


Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,

"What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."


***********************************************

Lost at Sea

Irishmen Patrick & Michael were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,

"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into the
finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men
considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick!

Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

***********************************************

The Fall

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg.

"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"



***********************************************

(And saving the best for last...)

You've Been Drinking Again

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his
face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to
stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look,and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

[OakRidgeStars]

How Fights Start

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

--

The wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

--

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 miles per hour, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

--

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

--

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office..

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

--

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

--

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

--

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[OakRidgeStars]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.