A Place To Tell Jokes

[allingeneral]

Coffee and Testicles

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[dorminWS]

Reasons Not To Mess With Children

...................................................................

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah .

The teacher asked, What if Jonah went to hell?

The little girl replied, Then you ask him .



.....................................................................................................


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, I m drawing God.

The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, They will in a minute.

.........................................................................................................

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, Thou shall not kill.

.........................................................................................................


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?

Her mother replied, Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairsturns white.

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Mommy, how come ALL of grandma s hairsare white?


...............................................................................


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy acopy of the group picture.

Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There s Jennifer, she s a lawyer, or That s Michael, he s a doctor.

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And there s the teacher, she s dead.



...............................................................................................




A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.

Yes, the class said.

Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn t run into my feet?

A little fellow shouted, Cause your feet ain t empty.

..............................................................................


I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of thetable was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

Take only ONE . God is watching.

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, Take all you want. God is watching the apples.



....................................................................................

[Taggure]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire
the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

[TheGodfather]

In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

[Taggure]

COFFEE HURTS

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?" She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...

[MWhiteDesigns]

A man is about to start hunting for a huge grizzly; he takes his single barrelled shotgun and enters the forest.
After a few hours, he finally manages to spot the bear, and he approaches him until he is within shooting range.
He aims, shoots and .... a huge cloud arises from his shotgun. As the cloud disappears, he walks up to the spot where he saw the bear.
Unfortunately, the bear is not there...
As he is looking at the empty spot, he gets tapped on the shoulder.
He looks behind him.. "OMG, it's the bear"...
The bear looks him in the eye, and with a very mad voice he says: "Did you try to shoot me ?".
The hunter responds with a shivering voice "Yes....".
The bear responds "As a punishment, I will not kill you, but you have to give me a blow j*b".

The hunter is shocked, but since he's not willing to die just yet, he decides to do it.

When the hunter is finished, he lost about half of his teeth, and his mouth is all numb, but luckily he survives...

As the next hunting season approaches, the hunter decides to try and hunt the grizzly again, but this time with a double barrelled shotgun.

He tracks down the bear, shoots 2 times, and when the cloud has disappeared, he goes to the exact spot.
The bear is missing *again*
*taptap*
The bear tapped on his shoulder and asks "Did you try to shoot me again ?"
The hunter replied "OMG yes sorry Mr bear, please do not kill me"
The bear replies "That'll be 2 blow jobs please"

Reluctantly the hunter gets on with it; his mouth is a complete disaster, and while he did survive, he now has a permanent speech disorder.

At the start of the next hunting season the hunter says to his wife "thez stimes he"ll nevers zurvihve, I'vee bough myselfz ahn UZI"
So he takes on his uzi, says goodbye to the Mrs. and leaves home.
As he enters the forest, he finds the bear's tracks, manages to approach him, and empties his clip. Again a huge cloud arises from the gun.

As he approaches the spot, he sees that the bear is not there.
Remembering the other years, he looks behind him, and sees the bear staring at him.

Initially they are both speechless, but then the bear says, "
"You don't actaully like to hunt do you?"

[VBshooter]

From the Kansas State Police ;

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS .
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if
she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what
was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f*** thing!"

[Kreutz]

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi like to get together once a week and have friendly arguments over who is the most right in the eyes of God. Finally, an atheist suggests a test to see who is right, he says, "Go into the forest and try and convert a grizzly bear", the three men agree to do this and head off into the woods.

A week later everyone gets back together, and the atheist looks at the Catholic priest, who has his arm in a sling, "what happened"?

The priest says, "Well, I talked to the bear as St Francis would've, and he took a swing at me and broke this arm. I used my good hand to splash the bear with holy water, and he calmed down, and I taught him the true faith of Christ and now he takes Eucharist every Sunday"

The atheist looks to the Baptist minister, who has two arms in a sling, "what happened"?

The minister replies, "I strode RIGHT up to that there BEAR and showed him the POWER of CHRIST! The devil in him caused him to RISE UP, and SMASH my arms, but I WRASSLED him with two broken arms into the river and SUBMERGED him! He rose up a bear of Christ, AMEN"

The atheist looks to the rabbi, who is in a full body cast in total traction, on oxygen, and has three IV drips going. "Oh man, what happened to you"?!?!?!

The rabbi replied, "It would seem starting off with circumcision was not the smartest idea".

[dorminWS]

Concerned that her aging husband's libido was losing ground, the wife demurely told him, "Honey, go get some of those pills that will make you more romantic."

He went to the pharmacy and came home with diet pills for her.

She dang nigh kilt him.

[Taggure]

Brain Study....

It took me a few seconds, but then I got the hang of it...I've seen
this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it
with numbers.

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:
7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.

[totes6]

Otherwise known as L337 speak. It used to be a rare language back when the internet came out, but with movies coming out since then that popularizes hacking, it is becoming much more common.

[Kreutz]

Damn, read that no problem. Ive been too corrupted by the interwebz. Not good for when I have to interact in a three dimensional real time platform, such as reality.

[newdovo]

Had a hard time reading it at first. Reminds me of the I.D.-Ten-T error.

Also written ID10T.

[SHMIV]

I've sent folks to fill out I.D. Ten T forms before. Fun stuff.

[Taggure]

New car for Senator Reid
Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington , D.C. with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle.

Harry looks around and finds one he likes. After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000. Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork. Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line. The salesman shakes Harry's hand and says, "Thanks Senator Reid, the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years."

Harry says, "What are you talking about? Where are the keys to my new car?" The salesman replies, "No, you don't understand Senator. You make payments for 4 years . . . THEN we give you the car. You know, just like your health plan".

Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, "But that's not fair".

And the salesman says, "No sh!t!"

[Chasbo00]

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. Each time the blond calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him! He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady. Why do you let the bartender do it?' 'Duh,' says the blonde, 'The bartender has a licker license!'

[Riana]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room ......

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!"

[Taggure]

Doctors vs. Gun Owners

Doctors
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physicianis 0.171.
* Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:
Guns
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
* Statistics courtesy of FBI

So,statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT Almost everyone has at least one doctor.This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor than a gun owner!!!

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

[dorminWS]

The Philosophy of Ambiguity
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH...
Please enjoy and understand the following:


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

[dorminWS]

BLONDE JOKES - - - with heartfelt apologies to all armed blondes

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that
said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.


FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,
'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says
'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'


CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank
'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and
screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was
astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American
looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed
on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can
you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE
TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES !

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named
Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'