Paraprosdokians

[dorminWS]

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is the knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, Notify”: I always put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive; you only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn (and do) something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[ShotgunBlast]

[thekinetic]

[TacticalMom]

Thank you that mad me laugh.

[DiscipleofJMB]

I need to memorize some of these. "If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong." Lmao!



Si vis pacem para bellum

follow me @DiscipleofJMB - GO PENS!

[Reverenddel]

Here I thought it was a new reality show to rival the Kardashians....

[allingeneral]

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Newton stayed up all night puzzling the movement of the sun then it dawned on him.

I hate to say "I told you so" so I am going to shout it really loud.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

[Swampman]

I gotta remember #10 next time I fill out a medical form!

[KaosDad]

[Stratojaxter]

I often miss my ex, so I bought a laser sight.

I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

She got her looks from her father; he's a plastic surgeon.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I like going to the park and watching they kids run around, because they don't know I'm using blanks.

I don't approve of political jokes; I've seen too many get elected

[HEX]

[thekinetic]

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.

[SHMIV]

I was going to post something wise and profound, but I forgot what it was; if y'all remember what it was, let me know.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[dorminWS]

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
5. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
6. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
7. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
8. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
9. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
10. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
12. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
13. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
14. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
15. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
16. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
17. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
18. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
19. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
20. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
21. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
22. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away and he won’t have any shoes.
25. Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
26. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
27. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
28. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
29. “If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.” — Henry J. Tillman
30. “The saying ‘Getting there is half the fun’ became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.” —
31. “A fool and his money are soon elected.” — Will Rogers
32. “Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven’t had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.” — Will Rogers
33. “If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised.” — Stephen Colbert
34. “There’s a bunch of different crunches that affect the abs … my favorite is Nestle.”
35. “When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.” — Emo Philips
36. “I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.” — Jack Handey
37. “‘The crows seemed to be calling his name,’ thought Caw.” — Jack Handey
38. “It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried.” — Winston Churchill
39. “You can always count on Americans to do the right thing — after they’ve tried everything else.”- Winston Churchill
40. “A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” — Winston Churchill (said of Clement Attlee)
41. “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” — Groucho Marx
42. “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.” — Groucho Marx
43. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx
44. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx
45. If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
46. A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.
47. I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”
48. I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
49. I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.
50. I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.
51. If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”
52. I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What’s going on here? Who is the real hero?
53. I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
54. Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!”
55. I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
56. If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!
57. I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.”
58. Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman’s horse, you would be very confused. “I don’t think this dude can see.”
59. “I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.” — Will Rogers
60. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” — Winston Churchill
61. “The car stopped on a dime, which unfortunately was in a pedestrian’s pocket.”
62. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” — Mitch Hedberg
63. “Take my wife—please.” — Henny Youngman
64. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
65. I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila.
66. I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect.
67. Of all the people I’ve ever met, you could be one of them.

[dorminWS]

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

- Einstein

[dorminWS]

I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim.

[dorminWS]

1. I shall be an autocrat, that's my trade; and the good Lord will forgive me, that's his. - Catherine the Great
2. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree
3. Some have taste others are tastless, most tastes vary and in the end, we probably all taste the same to the worms.
4. She looks as though she’s been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say ‘when’.
5. If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.
6. A fine is a tax on doing bad, so a tax must be a fine for doing good.
7. ourage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen
8. Go to heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. - Twain
9. There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those that understand binary and those that don't.
10. Here's your hat, what's your hurry?

[KaosDad]

Just about any line by Groucho Marx.

[Reverenddel]

We should try to make up our own about firearms:

Never point a firearm at anything you do not intend to destroy... which is null and void to some people in gunshops. (how many people have been handed a gun barrel first? How many people have pointed a weapon at the clerk?)

The best weapon is the one in hand...unless it's a friggin' .22LR and you'll just be throwing an empty gun.

[AlanM]

We should try to make up our own about firearms:

Never point a firearm at anything you do not intend to destroy... which is null and void to some people in gunshops. (how many people have been handed a gun barrel first? How many people have pointed a weapon at the clerk?)

The best weapon is the one in hand...unless it's a friggin' .22LR and you'll just be throwing an empty gun.

Not always true.
This story is more about the response time of 911 vs. having a gun but it applies here also.

Some years ago in the Canton, OH area the 911 operator got a call from a woman and her adult daughter that the daughter's abusive ex-boyfriend was beating on their door threatening to kill them both.
The 911 operator said it would take some time for officers to get there.
The woman hung up.
About ten minutes later the woman called back and said there was no rush but to send the officers anyway.
The 911 asked why, and the woman said that the man broke the door down and the daughter used a .22 rifle to shoot him until he quit trying to get at them. He was DATS.

Moral of the story: (digital version)
.22 bullets are just as effective as 00 buckshot except delivered serially vice in parallel.