A Place To Tell Jokes

[OakRidgeStars]

* Stolen from today's Classic Arms newsletter

--

A man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into the house. He slammed the door and shouted at the top of his lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The wife said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff, ski clothes, do I need my passport?'. 'Doesn't matter,' he said. 'Just get out.'

[Kreutz]

I thought this is kind of funny:

[allingeneral]

This is pretty funny...

[zephyp]

And that is what happens when you mix soldiers and alcohol...

[OakRidgeStars]

He just needs one of Proshooter's training classes

(and the soldier could use more training too)

[AlanM]

Anybody got an explanation for the license plate??

[allingeneral]

The owner of the car has deadly flatulence?

Anybody got an explanation for the license plate??

[Chasbo00]

[Chasbo00]

[dorminWS]

This is pretty funny...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Well HUH! I thought that WAS training for them sojers...................

[Taggure]

KATHLICK!!!

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school

So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
Will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"

Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
In the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
Because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis,
Because they dunk all of you in the water."

"We're not Methdiss,
Because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"

[Pumbaa]

I should be offended at the Pisskopailians joke, it is demeaning to that faith... But dang.... awww helll.... faggedaboudit!

I spit my drink on my monitor!

[Reverenddel]

Here's a quicky:

Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide? You would too if your name was "Uuurrrggghhh".

[moss20]

The government today, announced that it's changing it's emblem from a Bald Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government 's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production , destroys the next generation , protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that!

[OakRidgeStars]

[zephyp]

José and Carlos are beggars.
They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time
as José, but collects only
about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.

José brings home a suitcase full of ten-dollar
bills every day. He drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house, and has
a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to José,
"I work just as long and hard as you do,
so how come you bring home a suitcase
full of ten dollar bills every day?

José says,
"Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos reads his sign:
"I have no work, a wife
and six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?"
Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get
$8.00 or $9.00 a day!" says José.

Carlos says,
"All right, what is on your sign?"

José shows him:

[OleMan]

The Navy Seals found they had too many officers and senior non-coms, and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or senior Non-com who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension board that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

[Chasbo00]

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

[Kreutz]

Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?



A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

[TheGodfather]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."