Virginia Gun Owners Forum - VGOF

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into
our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us years ago.”

“Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.”

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ... "Wedding Cake."

An old Indian chief, Bald Eagle, sat in his tent on the reservation,
smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent
to interview him. "Chief Bald Eagle" asked one official, "You have
observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's
done."

The Chief Bald Eagle nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied.

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled...

"Only white men dumb enough to think he could improve system like that"

" U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"

"What Do You Feel When You Kill A Terrorist? .... A Reassuring Recoil"

Marines -- Providing Enemies Of America An Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"My Marine Can Pick Off Your Honor Student at a Click and a Half"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity To What Would Otherwise Be Just A Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- Marine Artillery"

"Do draft dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?"

"My kid fought in Iraq so yours can party in college"

"Travel To Exotic Pla ces, Meet New People, Then Kill Them"

"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy By Volume"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

"Guns Don't Kill People -- I Kill People"

"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Marine"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"



Semper Fi
“TOUGH TIMES NEVER LAST......But TOUGH PEOPLE DO”
"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~ Thomas Jefferson

The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side.

Thug breaks into a house,in the middle of the night.
He's tiptoeing from room to room,filling a pillowcase with valuables,when he hears a tiny voice say-"God is watching you."
He freezes,glancing around anxiously,and decides that stress is getting to him.He's never had problems with his conscience before,and decides this must be a fluke.
Several minutes later,in the upstairs bathroom,as he cleans all the prescription drugs from the medicine cabinet,he hears it again-a little louder this time-
"God is watching you."
This time it really rattles him-it sounds so real-could he be cracking up?
He decides to finish the job quickly,and then go home and have a few drinks from the bottles he's already stolen from the homeowners liquor cabinet.So he creeps into the bedroom and as he's dumping the jewelry box into his bag(a lifetime of memories,which he will pawn for a few cents on the dollar) he hears the voice,quite clearly-
"God is watching you."
He loses it,tripping over the nightstand as he fumbles for the light,spilling stolen goods everywhere! As the lamp comes on he gazes frantically around the room to see-
a birdcage.
A well-made birdcage,containing a parrot.On the cage is a small plaque,bearing the name
"Jesus".
As the bird blinks in the light,the burglar laughs out loud in relief-"What kind of idiot names a parrot Jesus?"
To which the bird solemnly replies-"The same kind of idiot that names a 150 pound Rottweiler 'God'-"

moss20 wrote:"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"

Conversely, war has also EMPOWERED such proceeds.

Remind me: how much do we pay in forced taxes?

QED

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Georgia recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH", replied the warden!

"What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: Georgia rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government employees.

Here's my favorite Buddy Hackett Joke:

A guy from New York city goes duck hunting for the first time.

He is standing in a farmer's field and shoots his first duck.
Before he can get to it the farmer comes out yelling, "you there,
what are you doing in my field shooting my ducks?"

Cityslicker gets nervous, "sorry man, I am hunting for the first time, i didn't realize that i was on private property. But that is a wild duck I shot."

farmer: "You're standing in my field and the duck landing in my field, so that is my duck."

cityslicker is trying to be nice but he wants that duck. "Look, I am sorry i am trespassing onto your property, but that is a wild duck, and it is my first one. No way I'm leaving here with out it.

Farmer looks the cityslicker over then says, "tell you what, we'll fight for it, country style." Before the cityslicker can even ask, he says "that's where we both take a punch from the other one, and whoever hits the hardest gets to keep the duck."

cityslicker has been lifting weights and taking karate lessons for years so he thinks he can beat the dumb farmer so he agrees to the 'test.'

they flip a coin to see who goes first and the farmer wins. Instead of punching the cityslicker he hauls off and kicks him right in the nuts. The cityslickers falls to the ground and screams like a four year old in Kmart but eventually he manages to get up. He wipes the tears from his eyes and takes a deep breath, determined to go home with the duck even though he isn't sure he will be able to put any sting into his punch.

cityslicker: "you really got me with that kick, but it's my turn now." He assumes his fighting stance and prepares to deliver a blow to the farmer, but the farmer turns and waves him off.

farmer: ah, never mind. you can have the duck.

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************


My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started......

************************************************************************


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds. ' I bought her a scale..
And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's how the fight started....

************************************************************************


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started....

************************************************************************


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's how the fight started......

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.....

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and Exclaimed,' Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped
to his death as well

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really
tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!
I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


(Oh this is GOOD!!)?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch !

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Skinny Dipping & Old Men


An elderly man in Florida

had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and tangerine trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast!!!!

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on

a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a
chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.

When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon,
nd why don't I have
ny milk in my cereal? ' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says,
I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week
you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,

and says, 'You gonna tell him or should I?

..(Names have been removed to protect the stupid!)

Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms. ..
________________________________________________________

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that,
since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on
the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there
looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when
you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thin g I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few
minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I fi gured if I just let it go with ! the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhe re.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that
moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling
was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head
--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it
was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I rea ched up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my
final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes
at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey... ...

A new supermarket opened in Richmond, Va. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

THE REPUBLICAN FISHERMAN

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a fisherman in a boat below. She shouted to him,
'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am. The man consulted his portable GPS and
replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the water
elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97
minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.' 'I am,' replied
the man. 'How did you know?' 'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything
you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'

The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.' 'I am,' replied the
balloonist. 'How did you know?' 'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where
you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a
large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to
keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'

THE REPUBLICAN FISHERMAN --- I love it

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, thetrade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. Aftercareful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.



Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT &DO.

YOUR GRAMMAR LESSON FOR TODAY





Eight Words with two Meanings



1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n ...
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book..
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female..... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. ......Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ... They already have boyfriends.

He said . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.