A Place To Tell Jokes

[allingeneral]

ALL PUNS INTENDED ... GROAN!!!


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7.. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12.. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a mussel..

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal...' The other goes to a family in   Spain  ; they name him 'Juan' Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

[Taggure]

lol so bad yet so funny

[GS78]

President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan .
Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped. Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll piss on my grave."
To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never wait in another line again ."

[Taggure]

[Iqentab308]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time!" He thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three." Says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. His wife says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

[MJB927]

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A #1: None, they only screw the poor.
A #2: Four, one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a lot
better.

You Might Be A Republican If...
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
You've ever said, "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the "liberal media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates..."
You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
You think all artists are gay.
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

[TheGodfather]

How many trolls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They would just keep posting over and over about how dark it is, and insult everyone else for not changing the light bulb.

[MJB927]

How many trolls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They would just keep posting over and over about how dark it is, and insult everyone else for not changing the light bulb.

Lol, now why is it wrong when I post a republican "joke" but not wrong when others post democratic or Obama "jokes"? This forum says post jokes and I saw a joke that was funny to me. Geesh pull your skirt down it was just a joke. You're supposed to read it and laugh, like I do. Not get bent out of shape and start bickering like an old fart. I do like your joke those as well!

[TheGodfather]

How many trolls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They would just keep posting over and over about how dark it is, and insult everyone else for not changing the light bulb.

Lol, now why is it wrong when I post a republican "joke" but not wrong when others post democratic or Obama "jokes"? This forum says post jokes and I saw a joke that was funny to me. Geesh pull your skirt down it was just a joke. You're supposed to read it and laugh, like I do. Not get bent out of shape and start bickering like an old fart. I do like your joke those as well!

My post wasn't put for a war of words. I don't care to really argue over the internet. Anyone can feel free to speak their minds about this post, I'd figured it would get some negative attention. But this is my last post on this topic. If anyone takes offense to this post oh well wonk wonk. Just like it's pretty much oh well for anything I may run across that I dont like. Anyone who truly read my first post would've understood I wasnt attacking everyone on here only those who fit what I was saying. So if you were one who fits the "shoe" of course you're going to respond in a negative matter.

[MJB927]

How many trolls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They would just keep posting over and over about how dark it is, and insult everyone else for not changing the light bulb.

Lol, now why is it wrong when I post a republican "joke" but not wrong when others post democratic or Obama "jokes"? This forum says post jokes and I saw a joke that was funny to me. Geesh pull your skirt down it was just a joke. You're supposed to read it and laugh, like I do. Not get bent out of shape and start bickering like an old fart. I do like your joke those as well!

My post wasn't put for a war of words. I don't care to really argue over the internet. Anyone can feel free to speak their minds about this post, I'd figured it would get some negative attention. But this is my last post on this topic. If anyone takes offense to this post oh well wonk wonk. Just like it's pretty much oh well for anything I may run across that I dont like. Anyone who truly read my first post would've understood I wasnt attacking everyone on here only those who fit what I was saying. So if you were one who fits the "shoe" of course you're going to respond in a negative matter.

Lol, and I still stand by that. My joke was in fun just like everyone else. I didn't post for a war of words. I saw a funny joke and posted it. End of story, lets not try to make this much bigger than what it is. We dont need another "A MUST READ" post. Im so over that and the controversy that brought. Do really know the joke was just in fun since thats what we're doing on this post. My response to you was also just in fun.

[Taggure]

You forgot the Joke this is a joke thread!

Here is mine:

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

[MJB927]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[GS78]

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.


Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'



The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'


Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'


The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.




Gibson was satisfied.


Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'


The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.


He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'


The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?


'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.


'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'


'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.


So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.


The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.


In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11.


In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.


As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'















'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three ass-holes report that I was the aggressor?!

[TheGodfather]

^^^^
Too true to be funny!

[Taggure]

Historical Facts ...
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850 in California?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and men didn’t hold hands.

[Palladin]

....insert Snidely Whiplash laugh here!

[Taggure]

Why did Tigger look in the Toliet?








He was looking for Pooh

[TheGodfather]

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and making art. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare..
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.


And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....I'm going to have another beer!!!

[BluemontGlock]

GARY COLEMAN'S MONOGRAMMED CASKET..........


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[wylde007]

Groan.