A Place To Tell Jokes

[navvet]

my first joke. I hope I tell it right... here goes....
Obama.

I hope it was told corectly

[OakRidgeStars]

my first joke. I hope I tell it right... here goes....
Obama.

I hope it was told corectly

[smc331]

my first joke. I hope I tell it right... here goes....
Obama.

I hope it was told corectly

[GS78]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

[OakRidgeStars]

The Farmer's New Telephone

There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator.

Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring) "Operator".

"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."

"Excuse me?"

"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."

"I don't understand you, sir."

"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"

"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that."

"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed the phone down)

The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator.

"Yesh, I yam", he said.

The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."

Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

"Operator".

"Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"

Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I CERTAINLY am!"

"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."

[OakRidgeStars]

What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce have in common?

Each one costs someone a trailer

--

Happy Friday, everybody!

[zephyp]

What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce have in common?

Each one costs someone a trailer

--

Happy Friday, everybody!

[GS78]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned
to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages..
What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left
to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and
send them back to the bandage company and every now and then
they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left
over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the
manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all CFO.


"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"









"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the
little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."

[zephyp]

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the
little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."

great answer, but I bet he gets audited every year now...

[wylde007]

great answer, but I bet he gets audited every year now...

Totally worth it.

[VBshooter]

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge
crowd. The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that
with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go
wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of
your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak
of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "With one little wave of your hand? I seriously doubt
that. Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the b$*&#.

[BluemontGlock]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel… this is the Promised Land."

Now, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line.

I reached a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...!

[zephyp]

[GS78]

Deer Roping (not to be confused with calf roping)

This is an actual letter from someone who farms, writes well, and tried this!

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up--- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood there and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer---no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At that time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against several large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up between my truck and the feeder-a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head-almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about the head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal-like a horse-strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

All these events are true so help me God....

Sincerely,

(Name withheld).

[GS78]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel… this is the Promised Land."

Now, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line.

I reached a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...!

Now, thats funny...

[Vahunter]

Okay who got the easter bunny ?

[zephyp]

Okay who got the easter bunny ?

Uh oh...Young is going to be so pissed...

[OakRidgeStars]

[allingeneral]

A Thought to Brighten Your Day!





When you are down in the dumps and think you have "real problems", just remember:


SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A POOR BASTARD NAMED
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

MR. PELOSI.....

[BluemontGlock]

damm...talk about "maritial duties"...
-eeewwwwww

Most definaitaly a triple bagger situation...and i would dis-arm her first...
CCP and the Preying Matis/Black widow mentality and all...