Virginia Gun Owners Forum - VGOF

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

A cowboy who appeared to be drunk lay sprawled across three entire seats in
the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned
with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the
cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right
buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.

With unmistakable pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony ."

Jim wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jim looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jim asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Jim asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!'"

Self-induced hangover - $100

Broken furniture - $200

Breakfast - $10

Saying the right thing - PRICELESS

MILITARY WISDOM

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

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"Aim towards the Enemy."

- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

- U.S. Marine Corps

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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."

- USAF Ammo Troop

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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

- Infantry Journal

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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

- U.S. Air Force Manual

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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

- General Macarthur

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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."

- Infantry Journal

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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."

- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

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"Tracers work both ways."

- U.S. Army Ordnance

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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."

- Infantry Journal

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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."

- U.S. Navy Swabbie

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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

- David Hackworth

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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."

- Infantry Journal

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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

- Joe Gay

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"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."

- Anonymous

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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."

- Unknown Marine Recruit

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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

- Your Buddies

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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."

- USAF Ammo Troop

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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."

- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."



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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."

- From an old carrier sailor

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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."



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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."



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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."



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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."



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"Never trade luck for skill."



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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."



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Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."



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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."



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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"



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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."



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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."



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"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."



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"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."



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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."



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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."

- Jon McBride, astronaut

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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."

- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."



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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."

- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."



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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."



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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."



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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".

The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot

moss20 wrote:

carter.jpg

Classic photo and caption...

Long way to go to beat out Lincoln...

I just could not help myself

wylde007 wrote:Long way to go to beat out Lincoln...

Bull crap!!! Lincoln only suspended habeas corpus. obama and his cronies havent done that (yet) but all the other stuff stacked up blows Lincoln's act away...and lets not forget that they aint done yet.

He suspended parts of the 1st (imprisoned newspaper publishers), the 4th (illegal searches & seizures), the 3rd (garrisoned troops against the will of the people and the independent states, see also "Fort Sumter") in advance preparation of war, the 9th and the 10th amendments by disallowing independent states to govern themselves and decide their own fates.

wylde007 wrote:He suspended parts of the 1st (imprisoned newspaper publishers), the 4th (illegal searches & seizures), the 3rd (garrisoned troops against the will of the people and the independent states, see also "Fort Sumter") in advance preparation of war, the 9th and the 10th amendments by disallowing independent states to govern themselves and decide their own fates.

Ok, so he did. I stand corrected and you know your history well. I still think the jury is out on how far obama and his cronies are going to push things. AND, the fact that Lincoln was one of his favorites gives me the willies sometimes.

I'm not seeing anything funny in the last three posts

OakRidgeStars wrote:I'm not seeing anything funny in the last three posts

Neither do I...

PHONE REPAIR

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


Thought you'd like to know.

86-year old lady's letter to bank......
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month..
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.


I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.


From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due
course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call..


Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS' !!!!!


And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.





One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!


Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:...... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :.... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :...... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :....... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:.... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: ...... Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

His professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.



The conversation went like this...


Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'


Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'


Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'


Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'


Air Defense Radar: (no response .... total silence)

don't know if this is legit, got it in an email from a friend in the sand box..

Old Farmer's Advice:

• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. •

• Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. •

• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. •

• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. •

• Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. •

• Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.. •

• Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads. •

• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. •

• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. •

• You cannot unsay a cruel word. •

• Every path has a few puddles. •

• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. •

• The best sermons are lived, not preached.

• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. •

• Don 't judge folks by their relatives. •

• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. •

• Live a good, honorable life...Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. •

• Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none. •

• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance. •

• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. •

• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. •

• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. •

• Always drink upstream from the herd. •

• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. •

• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. •

• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around... •

• Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. •
• Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. •
--
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,
he'll just kill you.

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets


Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'


And God said, 'I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'


And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.


And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail


And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'


And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'






And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.


And they were comforted


And God was pleased.


And Dog was content and wagged his tail.








After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'




And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'


And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.







And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.






And Adam and Eve learned humility.


And they were greatly improved.








And God was pleased . .


And Dog was happy. .



















And Cat didn't give a poop one way or the other...

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Elin Nordegren moved to the top of the money list on the PGA tour today after "beating" the world's #1 golfer. The win came after the top golfer played the wrong hole.