Virginia Gun Owners Forum - VGOF

Class Trip
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes .

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

Politician Reincarnation
Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?

A: You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem .
While they were there, the Wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000;
or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a
face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure
called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the
top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
her skin to produce the effect of a brand new
face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the
knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman
remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon
with two problems: "All these years, everything has
been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many
times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee."

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing . she'd read many books on the subject and got her gear together. then she headed for the ice .
after posistioning her comfy footstool, she began to make her circular cut in the ice..
suddenly a voice boomed out from above " THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice. poured a thermos of cappuccino..and began to cut yet another circular hole in the ice...
again the voice boomed out"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"...
the blonde now worried, moved away clear down to the other end of the ice,she set up her stool and once again began to make her cut .
again the voice boomed out from above" THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE " !!
The blonde stopped and looked skyward and shouted back " IS THAT YOU LORD ?"
the voice replied " NO !! THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK !!!!

Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.

And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter.

He climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to
a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?

'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy.

He continues to climb the ladder and, yet again,

He discovers an even larger room Where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?

'No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up.

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, Ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room

Where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps,

As he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son...I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a
coffee?' 'Yes, please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

Ohhhhh!That will get ya on a hit list! (need a body guard?)

The Male Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers. FIRST & FOREMOST RULE

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days..

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials....

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched...We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine....Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as guns, hunting, fishing, NASCAR or football...

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - To give them an even bigger laugh!

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a
little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by
the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her,
under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and
the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A
reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most
gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was
behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt
right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the
front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political
affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S.. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist
leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

> A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
>
> Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her .... Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
>
> "Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
>
> "Kittens", little Suzy said.
>
> How old are they? asked Obama.
>
> Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
>
> "And what kind of kittens are they?"
>
> "Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.
>
> Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
>
>
>
>
> Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
>
> So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
>
>
>
>
> Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
>
> "Hello, again," he said, "I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
>
> "Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."
>
> Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But .... But .... Yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."
>
> Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
>

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with an elephant?

A: A dead chicken with a large hole in it.

10 Reasons Why Guns Are Better Then Women

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

Study of Nationalities

On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded on a deserted island:


Two Italian men and one Italian woman;

Two French men and one French woman;

Two German men and one German woman;

Two Greek men and one Greek woman;

Two English men and one English woman;

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman;

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman;

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman;

Two Irish men and one Irish woman;

Two American men and one American woman.


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry, and have gottten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her problems and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He
> > breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
> >
> > While tying the woman to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses
> > her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
> >
> > While he's in there the husband tells his wife:" Listen, this guys
> > an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of
> > time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
> > probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong
honey,
> I love you."
> >
> >
> > To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey -
> I love you too".

WOW!!!! - DON'T GET MAD GET EVEN!!!!!

You got to love this guy...
This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University .
It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage
with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them
at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family
and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation
he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy
of his bride having sex with the best man...

The groom had gotten suspicious
of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail
them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and
said, 'F---you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled
first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out
about the affair, this
guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations
in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money
can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD

A Mastercard Wedding
'Life isn't like a bowl
of cherries or peaches,
it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--

what you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow......'

That one is a classic for sure, but it's bogus.

http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarrass/bothered.asp

but still funny after all these years

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms.

Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing.

Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing.

This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."

Conversations between pilots and control towers

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
==================================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
==================================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
==================================================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
==================================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
==================================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
==================================================

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,
was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

==================================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
" Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
==================================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 235.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.

By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

==================================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
==================================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground
control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark --and I didn't land."
==================================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US
Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Dan Rather ('Blather' Rather) was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when Rather turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to Rather, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know" said Rather, "How about politics? Should we keep Bush as president or elect Kerry?"

"OK" said Tommy, "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patties, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?"

"Jeez" said Rather, "I have no idea."

"Well then" said Tommy, "how is it you feel qualified to discuss who should run this country when you don't know poop?"