A Place To Tell Jokes

[Sweetpea]

Since you guys seems to get such a chuckle out of poo jokes, I submit the following:


It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 seniors
came to see the show.


Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye
on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family
for six generations.'


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...
'The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'SH*T!' yelled the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

[zephyp]

Oh my, that is a good one and since we dont really have a smile that does it justice I'll just use good old fashioned net speak - ROTFLMAO !!!!!!

Edit: 5 minutes later - still ROTFLMAO !!!!!

[moss20]

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the
mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start
working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an
examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to
Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bull poop!'

The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'

[moss20]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and
asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man
had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked
and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started
discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the
Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

....................

"A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? h-a-p-p-y? w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?????

[moss20]

Subject: Men do remember anniversaries

Men do remember anniversaries! A woman awakes during the night to find that

her husband is not in bed.


She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.


She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.


She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.


"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you

down here at this time of night?"


The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we

were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.


The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.


"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.


"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"


"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my

face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"


"I remember that too" she replied softly.


He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...


"I would have gotten out today."

[moss20]

Note left on the refrigerator:



My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 yrs. old,

can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact

that I will be spending the evening with my 18 yr. old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset..............I will be home before midnight.



When the man came home that night, he found the following note on the dining room table:



My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 yrs. old.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 yrs. old.

As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that,

as you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also

the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, is 18 yrs. old.



As a successful businessman, who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand

that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference............

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[moss20]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. A Playboy magazine.


'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

[zephyp]

Four married guys go shooting on Sunday and during a lull in the action had the following conversation.

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out shooting this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That`s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to shoot when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. "You haven`t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come shooting this weekend. What`s the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "That`s easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke and say, `Shooting Course or Intercourse?`
So she says, `Better wear a jacket. Its cold out there.`"

[moss20]

I love a good moral to a story!!!


On the farm lived a chicken and a
horse, both
of whom loved to play together.

One day
the two were playing, when the horse
fell into a bog and
began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied
for
the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off
the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he
had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around,
the chicken spied the farmer's
new Harley.

Finding
the keys in the ignition, the chicken
sped off with a length
of rope hoping he still had time to save his
friend's
life.

Back at the bog, the horse was
surprised, but
happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny
Harley, and he managed to get
a hold of the loop of rope the
chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the
rear bumper
of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove
slowly forward and, with the
aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the
Harley
back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the
wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two
animals was
cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few
weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his
life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and

straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he
told the chicken to
grab his hangy-down thing and he would
then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good
grip, and the horse
pulled him up and out, saving his
life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS
a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need
A Harley To Pick Up
Chicks'

[zephyp]

Two guys go deer hunting. One shoots a nice deer and tells the other "Sit down, wait here and don't make a sound" and sneaks off to retrieve his deer.

The other man sits quietly watching for more deer. Meanwhile, his partner finds the deer and suddenly hears a blood curdling scream. He runs back to his partner and seeing nothing wrong asks him "What's wrong? Why did you scream?"

The other man, visibly shaken, says "Everything was fine until two squirrels ran up my pant leg and one said to the other 'Should we eat him here or take him home' ".

[zephyp]

I was in mountain country one day leaning against a tree taking a rest. A couple of minutes went by and an fellow came walking up the road dragging a very long and obviously heavy chain.

I was a little curious and asked the man "Hey buddy, why are you pulling that chain like that?"

The old fellow stopped, pushed back his hat, and looked at me with wisdom in his eyes and replied "Mister, you ever tried pushing one of these things?"

[zephyp]

Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

[moss20]

Genealogy

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they
developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

[zephyp]

“Hello, is this the FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Happy Birthday Buddy”

[moss20]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them poop in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[BluemontGlock]

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' and the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and had a totally awesome Gun collection, and huge respository of ammo, and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and smoked cigars and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

[Karen]

here are three I recently found while cleaning up old emails:
------------------------------------------------------------
The health care plan in one paragraph

Let me get this straight. We’re proposing a health care plan written by a committee whose head says he doesn’t understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn’t read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president that also hasn’t read it and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn’t pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that’s nearly broke.

What could possibly go wrong?
------------------------------------------------------------
Flight Attendant lore

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines.. The son asked his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you."
------------------------------------------------------------
On Beating a Dead Horse

Dakota Indian tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding the proverbial dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern organizations, we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

- buying a stronger whip
- changing riders
- saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"
- appointing a committee to the study the horse
- arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses
- increasing the standards to ride dead horses
- appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horses
- creating a training session to increase our riding ability
- comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment
- passing a resolution declaring: "This horse is not dead"
- blaming the horses' ancestry
- harnessing several dead horses for increased speed
- declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat"
- providing addtional funding to increase the horse's performance
- do a study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper
- declare the horse is better, faster and cheaper dead
- form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses
- revisit the performance requirements for dead horses
- say that this horse was procured with cost as the independent variable
- promote the dead horse to a supervisory position

[goodoleboy]

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' and the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and had a totally awesome Gun collection, and huge respository of ammo, and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and smoked cigars and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

My future life me thinks

[OakRidgeStars]

A little squad room humor... Click on image to view full size

[zephyp]