Virginia Gun Owners Forum - VGOF

Guns: They're not for everyone

The real joke is that the instructor called that an M16A2.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the
paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming".

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA’S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

GORILLA AND THE REDNECK

A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Billy Bob Burnett, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the turtle cages. Billy Bob, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Billy Bob was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Billy Bob showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Billy Bob said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Billy Bob said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Billy Bob said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A story in the LA Times read: ' California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The State, a local newspaper in Little Rock, Arkansas reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Conway, Arkansas , Bubba Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Arkansas had already gone wireless..

Just makes you proud to be from or live in Arkansas!

Boy Scout Writes Home

Dear Mom,
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. 6:53 PM 02/03/2000 This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We've all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

Nothing To Declare:

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

LOLOLOLOL ^^^^^^^

Barack Hussein Obama was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said,
'I am the President of the United States.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, $200.'
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.


He then asked the redhead
Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages,
get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees, then it isn't going to cost you a damn cent!

THE POPE AND MS.PELOSI

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
To make it a little more interesting, Pelosi says to the Pope, "Did You know
that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the
crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him.. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and
cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering
subsides.


The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do. "That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know
that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the
crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that
of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever
speak of this day and rejoice."

Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand
and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."


So the Pope slapped her.

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No needles.

"I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. ''I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

Old Sea Story
There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain's Mate that his men smelled bad.. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The Chief responded,
"Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!" The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your
underwear. Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"

THE MORAL:
Someone may be promising "Change", in Washington ; but don't count on things smelling any better!

Signs That You are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

Disclaimer: The resemblance to any VGOF member(s) is purely coincidental

Random Thoughts of the Day:

o I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

o More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

o Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

O Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

O I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

O The letters 'T' and 'G' are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

O Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are too damn soft.

O There is a great need for Sarcasm-font.

O Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.

O I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

O How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet for God's sake?

O I simply can't explain it... But I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

O I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

O The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a damn text message.

O Was learning cursive really necessary?

o "LOL" has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

O I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

o My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named The Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

O Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

O How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

O I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, my brothers!

O While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it... Thanks, Mario Kart.

O MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

O Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

o I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. You are sick!

o Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? No, pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

O I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

O Bad decisions make really good stories.

o Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures?? Don't mind if I do!

O Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

O If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

O Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem...

O You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

o Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

O There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

o I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of MS-Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my twelve page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

O "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

O I hate being the one with the remote control in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

O While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are brutally executed.

O I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What in the hell happened to you? What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

O I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

O Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

O Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

O I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

O I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

O Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

O Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

O My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day, "Dad, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

O I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

O The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Things a Southern boy would NEVER say

















30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.



29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.


28. Duct tape won't fix that.


27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.



26. We don't keep firearms in this house.


25. You can't feed that to the dog.



24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.



23. Wrestling is fake.


22. We're vegetarians.



21. Do you think my gut is too big?



20. I'll have grapefruit & grapes instead of biscuits & gravy.


19. Honey, we don't need another dog.


18. Who gives a [beeep] who won the Civil War?


17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.


16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor


15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today

.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.


13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.


12. The tires on that truck are too big.



11. I've got it all on the C: drive.


10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.


9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.


8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.



7. Checkmate.


6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.


5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.



4. I don't have a favorite college team.


3. You Guys.


2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.



AND NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving

those are just too good, Henry. "Shakespeare for 1000"

Daddy is an exotic dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?' 'No', the boy said, 'He works for the Democratic National Committee, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'