Virginia Gun Owners Forum - VGOF

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method." "That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method" After a short delay, he told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby."

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby."

He turns to the farm gal. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method.. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.. Will you explain it to me, as I see it has worked well for you?"

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.

> > Subject: The Harley and Vaseline

Who thinks of
these dumb jokes?

Joe wants to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have
much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley
with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even
better than a new
one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in
absolute mint
> condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how
> he kept it
>
> in such great condition for 10 years.
>
>
>
> 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the
> seller, 'whenever the
>
> bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on
> the chrome.
>
> It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar
> of Vaseline.
>
>
>
> That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to
> meet her
>
> parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just
> before they
>
> enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
> tell you
>
> something about my family before we go in.' 'When
> we eat dinner, we
>
> don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything
> during dinner
>
> has to do the dishes.'
>
>
>
> 'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
>
>
>
> Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living
> room is a
>
> huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge
> stack of
>
> dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere
> he looks,
>
> dirty dishes.
>
>
>
> They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a
> word. As
>
> dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
> situation. So
>
> he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he
> reaches
>
> over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So
> he stands
>
> up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
> table, and has
>
> his way with her right there, in front of her parents. His
> girlfriend
>
> is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her
> mom
>
> horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
>
>
>
> He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,'
> he thinks. So he grabs
>
> the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way
> with her
>
> every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his
> girlfriend
>
> is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total
> silence.
>
>
>
> All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it
> starts to
>
> rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of
> Vaseline from
>
> his pocket.
>
>
>
> Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
> 'All right,
>
> that's enough, I'll do the damn dishes!'
>

Good one indeed

Reuters reports that the hottest pick-up line for on-line dating today is "Why don't you come over to Myspace and Twitter on my Yahoo until I Google all over your Facebook".

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2000

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the
flight attendant asked John , seated in front. 'What are my choices?'
John
asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets..
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're
dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of
him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The
truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass
student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you
say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When
silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her
head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand.'


A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband
replied, 'Your eyesight's good.'

After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the preside note was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was: 370H-SSV-0773H.

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied: Dude .............Your holding it upside down!

That was too good. I'm causing an uproar. Everyone is peeking in my office cause I'm laughing so hard.

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking

company's

fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .



"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the

lawyer



Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded

my

favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the

question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"



Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was

driving

down the road....."



The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish

the

fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway

Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after

the

accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.



Please tell him to simply answer the question."



By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and

said

to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite

mule, Bessie".



Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.



"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into

the

trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck

and

trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was

thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was

hurting,

real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie

moaning

and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly

after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear

Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at

her,

and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between

the

eyes.



Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me

and said, "How are you feeling?"



"Now what the hell would you say?"

The Dam Notice



This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.

We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. Al l restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2008.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division. size=6>


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/25/07 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge
your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.


As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you
is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the
State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2008? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS

Subject: Do you fart in bed?


If this story doesn't make you cry from laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning

when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water

and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off

because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly

natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his

guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving

morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she

looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious

thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound

asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his

underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard

her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling

scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could

hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of

torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her

husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey you were right." "All

these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his

wife. " Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today

it finally happened." But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got

most of them back in."

No prayers for me needed on that one. I choked on my coffee...

I just hope Young never sees this one. She has the same complaint...

IBM Field Service Memo
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

> I found a new doctor and asked him the following
> questions during my last visit - here they are with
> his answers:
>
>
> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
> prolong life; is this true?
>
> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
> that's it . . . Don't waste them on exercise.
> Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
> heart will not make you live longer; that's like
> saying you can extend the life of your car by driving
> it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
>
>
> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
> vegetables?
>
> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What
> does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
> Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
> efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
> system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good
> source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a
> pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
> allowance of vegetable products.
>
>
> Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
>
> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy
> is distilled wine, that means they take the water out
> of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
> that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
> up!
>
>
> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
>
> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your
> ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
> ratio is two to one, etc.
>
>
> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating
> in a regular exercise program?
>
> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My
> philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
>
>
> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
>
> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . . Foods are fried
> these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're
> permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
> bad for you?
>
>
> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
> soft around the middle?
>
> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it
> gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you
> want a bigger stomach.
>
>
> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
>
> A: Are you crazy? HELLO.... Cocoa beans! Another
> vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
>
>
> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
>
> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain
> whales to me.
>
>
>
> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
> you may have had about food and diets.
>
> And remember:
> 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
> intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
> preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
> Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
> thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
> 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'
>
> AND . . .
>
> For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the
> final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to
> know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
> studies.
>
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
> heart attacks than Americans.
>
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer
> heart attacks than Americans.
>
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
> fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer
> fewer heart attacks than Americans.
>
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
> sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
> Americans.
>
> CONCLUSION:
>
> Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
> apparently what kills you.

> > DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS
> >
> > AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!
> >
> >
> >
> > Dear Abby,
> > A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
> >
> > One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other
> >
> > is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two
> > women
> >
> > go everywhere together and I've never seen a man
> >
> > Go into or leave the apartment.
> >
> > Do you think they could be Lebanese?
> >
> >
> >
> > Dear Abby,
> > What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity,
> >
> > Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
> >
> > Dear Abby,
> > I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,
> >
> > I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
> >
> > Dear Abby,
> > I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman
> >
> > Who has been on the pill for two years.
> > It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend
> >
> > Should share half the cost, but I don't know him
> >
> > Well enough to discuss money with him.
> >
> > Dear Abby,
> > I've suspected that my husband has been
> >
> > Fooling around, and when confronted with
> >
> > The evidence, he denied everything and said
> >
> > It would never happen again.
> >
> >
> >
> > Dear Abby,
> > Our son writes that he is taking Judo.
> >
> > Why would a boy who was raised in a good
> >
> > Christian home turn against his own?
> >
> >
> >
> > Dear Abby,
> > I joined the Navy to see the world.
> >
> > I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
> >
> > Dear Abby,
> > My forty year old son has been paying
> >
> > A psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week
> >
> > For two and a half years. He must be crazy.
> >
> > Dear Abby,
> > I was married to Bill for three months
> >
> > And I didn't know he drank until one night
> >
> > He came home sober.
> >
> > Dear Abby,
> > My mother is mean and short tempered.
> >
> > I think she is going through mental pause.
> >
> >
> >
> > Dear Abby,
> > You told some woman whose husband
> >
> > Had lost all interest in sex to send him
> >
> > To a doctor. Well, my husband lost all
> >
> > Interest in sex and he is a doctor.
> >
> > Now what do I do?
> >
> >
> > Remember these people
> >
> > Can vote, which probably
> >
> > Explains the current
> >
> > Situation in Washington, DC

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is…. "Embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape!

> No wonder our courts are backlogged------------------
>
>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> ___________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Getting laid
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
> ______________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
> people?
> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
> _________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> ____________________________________________
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> ______________________________________
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No..
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

And we wonder why it takes so long for these guys to get law degrees.

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

There just aren't words.