A Place To Tell Jokes

[moss20]

Subject: GOLF


Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....
Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through
the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A
warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that
broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband
replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you...
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep
the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I
can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you,
young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always
be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'


'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know
we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the
same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent
the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about
three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly
into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.



' NO poop.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still
believe in genies?'

[moss20]

Jim stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally, his exasperated partner Bob said, "What in the world is taking so long?"
"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Jim explained.

"I want to make a perfect shot."
His partner Bob exclaimed, "Forget it! You don't have a hope in hell of hitting her from here!"

[moss20]

Subject: The Old Priest
>
>
> The Old Priest
>
> In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people
> of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
>
> "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
>
> "I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.
>
> "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
>
> The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived;
> President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.
>
> As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us,
> but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN."
>
> Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.
>
> When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand
> in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
>
> Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to
> be with you as you near the end?"
>
> The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
>
> "Amen", said Obama.
>
> "Amen", said Pelosi.
>
> The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
>
> "AMEN"

[zephyp]

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Lord, Give me a sense of humor Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks!

Amen brother... This is one movie I've watched at least a dozen times and cried through each one...

[smc331]

Sent to me by an Australian friend...

The US troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humour with the following:


"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and believe every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[wylde007]

Number 2 could be a redneck, too. I mean, when you live in a trailer and your wife has to buy groceries with foodstamps... yet you have access to automatic weapons?

I heard that one in a Jeff Foxworthy bit.

[moss20]

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a
traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken
for exceeding the limit, even though he
knew that he was not speeding...

Just to be sure, he went around the block and
passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera
flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he
drove even slower as he passed the area again, but
the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result. He
did this a fifth time and was now laughing when
the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a
snail's pace...

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail
for driving without a seat
belt.

You can't fix stupid.

[moss20]

Have you ever asked yourself


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


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Can you cry under water?


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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


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Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


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What disease did cured ham actually have?


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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?


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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway..


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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Shouldn't it be the other way around!!!


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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a stupid song about him?


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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


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Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle
Little Star have the same tune?


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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


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Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

[Palladin]

you've got wayyyy too much time on your hands...

[Palladin]

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways????

Why do we cut the lights on?

[moss20]

you've got wayyyy too much time on your hands...

No--too many people sending me e-mails. I got 30 new e-mails today and I'm going through them while watching the Caps game.

[zephyp]

Those are way too good.

The one about the toaster setting is great...

[moss20]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!


Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.


He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.

Now GET OUT and don't come back.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[moss20]

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
**********************

America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
**********************

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society..
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************

If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and
It started to sink, who would be saved?
.... America!
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

[zephyp]

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
**********************

America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
**********************

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society..
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************

If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and
It started to sink, who would be saved?
.... America!
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

A good laugh is a great way to start the day...

[Sweetpea]

Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see something like this. Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was "Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

(This guy has nailed it.)

[zephyp]

Sometimes you are encouraged about our country's future when you see something like this. Specifically, there is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term was "Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

(This guy has nailed it.)

Thanks, J. Thank you very much. I choked on my beer, spurted it out my nostrils, spilled it on the keyboard, and almost fell out of my chair laughing so hard...

[moss20]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she direc! ted. "No w take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)

[smc331]

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit sh*t. One of the boys said: "What is that?"

"'They're smart pills," said the other boy "Eat them and they'll make you smarter."

So he ate them and said: "These taste like sh*t."

"See," said the other boy, "you're already getting smarter."

[moss20]

What is the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?





Santa stops at three ho's.
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Why does Frosty the Snow Man always have a smile on his face?






Because he knows the snow blower is coming.