2009's First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates.'
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......
A Place To Tell Jokes
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
Improvise, Overcome, Adapt
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
T Jefferson
4-H Certified Shotgun, Rifle, Pistol, Archery & Muzzleloading Instructor
NRA/ATA Shotgun Coach
-
OakRidgeStars
- VGOF Gold Supporter
- Posts: 14108
- Joined: Sun, 22 Mar 2009 10:13:20
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
For those born before 1986.....
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived because...
our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was
promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,
or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent
'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no
seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the
same. We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with
sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside
playing.
A coke was a coke - we didn't care if it was diet or caffeine free or fully
loaded. We didn't know what caffeine was, nor cared, and coffee came with
milk and sugar or strong and black - that's it.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one
actually died from this. We would spend hours building go-carts out of
scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the
brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve
the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we
were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no
personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.
We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!
We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.
We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.
We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners
catching us.
We walked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school;
we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round
the corner. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of
a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...They actually
sided with the law.
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before
lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good!
For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about
us.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile
on your face:
The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986........They
are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the
Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.
They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda
Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.
CD's have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine
how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from
last year.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or the Famous
Five.
They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.
They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will
never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.
Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with
computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.
7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good Old days,
repeating again all the funny things you have experienced together.
8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other
friends because you think they will like it too...
Yes, you're getting old!! .
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived because...
our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was
promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,
or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent
'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no
seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the
same. We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with
sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside
playing.
A coke was a coke - we didn't care if it was diet or caffeine free or fully
loaded. We didn't know what caffeine was, nor cared, and coffee came with
milk and sugar or strong and black - that's it.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one
actually died from this. We would spend hours building go-carts out of
scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the
brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve
the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we
were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no
personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.
We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!
We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.
We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.
We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners
catching us.
We walked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school;
we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round
the corner. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of
a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...They actually
sided with the law.
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before
lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good!
For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about
us.
This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile
on your face:
The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986........They
are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the
Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.
They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda
Carlisle.
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.
CD's have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine
how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from
last year.
They can never imagine life before computers.
They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or the Famous
Five.
They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.
They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will
never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.
Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married.
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with
computers.
5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.
7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good Old days,
repeating again all the funny things you have experienced together.
8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other
friends because you think they will like it too...
Yes, you're getting old!! .
-
OakRidgeStars
- VGOF Gold Supporter
- Posts: 14108
- Joined: Sun, 22 Mar 2009 10:13:20
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
The economy is so bad...
The economy is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad, CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
The economy is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad, CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
-
MuShuGordon
- Sharp Shooter
- Posts: 294
- Joined: Sun, 27 Sep 2009 19:33:32
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
What an economy.
-
OakRidgeStars
- VGOF Gold Supporter
- Posts: 14108
- Joined: Sun, 22 Mar 2009 10:13:20
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding....
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
-
zephyp
- VGOF Platinum Supporter
- Posts: 10207
- Joined: Tue, 05 May 2009 08:40:55
- Location: Springfield, VA
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
I wonder if that will really work...... No more catchy slogans for me...I am simply fed up...4...four...4...2+2...
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
FROM THE MOUTH OF A CHILD,,YOU NEVER KNOW.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," A little girl raises her hand. saying,"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary," The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say '$#!t,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," A little girl raises her hand. saying,"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary," The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say '$#!t,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
"The beauty of the Second Ammendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it."
Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson
-
zephyp
- VGOF Platinum Supporter
- Posts: 10207
- Joined: Tue, 05 May 2009 08:40:55
- Location: Springfield, VA
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
A possible political cartoon for tomorrow's papers:
THAT'S RIGHT. THIS IS WHAT WE CALL A REAL MANDATE !!!!!!
- elehphant donkey.jpg (3.9 KiB) Viewed 2999 times
No more catchy slogans for me...I am simply fed up...4...four...4...2+2...
-
OakRidgeStars
- VGOF Gold Supporter
- Posts: 14108
- Joined: Sun, 22 Mar 2009 10:13:20
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
Jackasses
-
OakRidgeStars
- VGOF Gold Supporter
- Posts: 14108
- Joined: Sun, 22 Mar 2009 10:13:20
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
Feeling Unappreciated??
I doubt there is much truth in these stories, but they are funny:
--
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . .
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!
There now, Feeling Better?
I doubt there is much truth in these stories, but they are funny:
--
Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . .
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!
There now, Feeling Better?
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
- pill jpeg.JPG (45.58 KiB) Viewed 2919 times
Now is the time for all good men to get off their rusty dustys...
-
HostileApostle
- On Target
- Posts: 28
- Joined: Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:25:42
- Location: Alexandria, VA
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
...bend over, here comes your "change".What did one snowman say to the other?
Smells like carrots...
Smells like carrots...
-
OakRidgeStars
- VGOF Gold Supporter
- Posts: 14108
- Joined: Sun, 22 Mar 2009 10:13:20
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
BOHICA
...wait, that's not funny at all
...wait, that's not funny at all
-
Hiwaytahell
- VGOF Silver Supporter
- Posts: 730
- Joined: Mon, 20 Apr 2009 15:35:12
- Location: Alexandria
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
Sorry if you have seen this before...
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
..................................................... .........
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's
Answer :
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
.. ................................................... ............
Republican's
Answer:
BANG!
.................................................... ..................................................... .........
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click . . .. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydrashocks?
Son: Can I shoot the next one?
Wife: You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
..................................................... .........
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's
Answer :
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
.. ................................................... ............
Republican's
Answer:
BANG!
.................................................... ..................................................... .........
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG !
Click . . .. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click
Daughter: Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydrashocks?
Son: Can I shoot the next one?
Wife: You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
bang bang bang for good measure!!! 
Now is the time for all good men to get off their rusty dustys...
-
zephyp
- VGOF Platinum Supporter
- Posts: 10207
- Joined: Tue, 05 May 2009 08:40:55
- Location: Springfield, VA
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
Guess Ima redneck then...
No more catchy slogans for me...I am simply fed up...4...four...4...2+2...
-
BluemontGlock
- VGOF Silver Supporter
- Posts: 692
- Joined: Mon, 06 Jul 2009 16:18:30
- Location: High in the Blueridge Mtns
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
"Nice grouping, Daddy!" .... HAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
that is so my girl!
O my...by the results of this highly scientific testing method, ...I am ( happily ) a total redneck
that is so my girl!
O my...by the results of this highly scientific testing method, ...I am ( happily ) a total redneck
Be particular, and be vigilant, as the enemy will only attack on two occasions:
When you're ready or when you're not ready.
Also never forget, that everyone who shows up, is not necessarily there to help.
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When you're ready or when you're not ready.
Also never forget, that everyone who shows up, is not necessarily there to help.
_________________________________________________
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
Well wait a minute...How long is the knife?
Is the knife loaded and is the safety on???
Is this a "drive by bayonetting"?
Is the knife of the "Swiss Army" type? Is he really trying to stab me or is he trying to trim my toe nails with it?
Is there a bug over my heart that he might be trying to help me with?
Is he really just showing me his knife to gain my appreciation for his fine cutlery?
Who is this "Allah"? Did he make the knife?
Doesn't matter, I'm a redneck. Oh and yes Honey, IT IS going to the taxidermist.... 
Is the knife loaded and is the safety on???
Is this a "drive by bayonetting"?
Is the knife of the "Swiss Army" type? Is he really trying to stab me or is he trying to trim my toe nails with it?
Is there a bug over my heart that he might be trying to help me with?
Is he really just showing me his knife to gain my appreciation for his fine cutlery?
Who is this "Allah"? Did he make the knife?
Doesn't matter, I'm a redneck. Oh and yes Honey, IT IS going to the taxidermist....
"Whenever governments mean to invade the rights and liberties of the people, they always attempt to destroy the militia, in order to raise an army upon their ruins."
Rep. Elbridge Gerry of Massachusetts
Rep. Elbridge Gerry of Massachusetts
Re: A Place To Tell Jokes
Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?
Have you heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up 20 miles away?
Do you remember hearing that before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia ; dogs started running frantically away from the seashore at breakneck speed?
Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?
Somehow they always know when they can 'go for a ride' before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?
I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.
And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance
Simply said, a dog just KNOWS when something isn't right...When impending doom is upon us..they'll always try to warn us...
Have you heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up 20 miles away?
Do you remember hearing that before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia ; dogs started running frantically away from the seashore at breakneck speed?
Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?
Somehow they always know when they can 'go for a ride' before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?
I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.
And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance
Simply said, a dog just KNOWS when something isn't right...When impending doom is upon us..they'll always try to warn us...
- good dog.jpg (26.99 KiB) Viewed 2853 times
Now is the time for all good men to get off their rusty dustys...