A Place To Tell Jokes

[shulatt]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[OakRidgeStars]

How the government works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So
they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two
people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do
time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and
hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So They
created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,
Then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an
Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal
Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one
Year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter.

Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of
the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY.... during the Carter Administration?

Anybody?

Anything?

No?

Didn't think so!

Bottom line. We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of
an agency...the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember!

Ready??
It was very simple...and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted on 8-04-1977.
TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT'S 2009 -- 32 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE! THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WAS I THINKING?"

Ah, yes -- good ole bureaucracy.

AND, NOW, WE ARE GOING TO TURN THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY OVER TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?

[gfost1]

Yo, dude,

This is the Joke Thread.

Stuff is supposed to be funny, not truthful.

Regards,

George

[Vahunter]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kimosabe, look towards sky; what you see?'
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo [beeep]. Someone stole tent.'

[zephyp]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kimosabe, look towards sky; what you see?'
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo [beeep]. Someone stole tent.'

[Paliden]

This was told to me yesterday by a National Guard Major "real cute sir"
How do you kill a platoon of marines?
You glue sand on a cement wall and tell them to hit the beach.
Real cute Major!!!! Sir

[moss20]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.

'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark,

'Hello, are you still there?'
Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[moss20]

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes
gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha.
I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie
score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally sh*ts in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[BluemontGlock]

Moss ...that gets a OMFG!!

that is funny...dont care who you are...

[OakRidgeStars]

ATLANTA AIRPORT -

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite! We love it here!
--------------------------------
--------------------------------

Atlanta Air Traffic Control: "Atlanta Tower, Saudi Air 511 -- Cleared to land runway 9R, winds 088 at 04.

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta Tower. Cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Atlanta Tower, Iran Air 711 -- Cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta Tower. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA TOWER!!!!! - ATLANTA TOWER!!!!!!"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi 511.
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OURRR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RRRUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRRECTIONS. WE ARRRE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us!"

[OakRidgeStars]

Little Johnny comes through again.
Just some history points to brighten your day:


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775", he said.

"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, and for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' "

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed, Little Johnny knows more about history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Indians."

"Who said that?," she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right!!! Now who said that!?"

Again, Little Johnny says, "George Herberty Walker Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria, someone said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, We're screwed!"

Little Johnny said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."

[moss20]

3 LADIES IN A HOT TUB



Three Women – one German, one Japanese, and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped, the others looked at her questioningly.

“That was my pager,” she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.



A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese women lifted her palm to her ear, when she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand”.



The hillbilly women felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.



The hillbilly women finally said,



“Well, will you look at that, I’m gettin’ a fax”.

[Palladin]

Da salesman...

Peace Prize 2.jpg (17.43 KiB) Viewed 3930 times

[OakRidgeStars]

Good one

and now, from the "I wish I'd thought of it first" file.... the nobel peace prize rap

[moss20]

A group of young women decided to arrange for
a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully
get to know and understand each other better.
Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law
and the other for the daughters-in- law.
Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law
was involved in an accident and all the passengers
died on the spot.
The daughters in law (women being women) shed a
few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who
wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.
Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking
but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize
u were so close to your mother-in-law? "
to which she replied,
"
"
"
"
"
"
"No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"

[moss20]

> A REDNECK LOVE POEM
>
> SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
> SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
> SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
> SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
>
> PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
> YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
> I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
> BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
>
> SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
> AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
> BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
> HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'
>
> YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
> AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
> BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
> I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
>
> BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
> JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
> MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
> YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

[GS78]

As you might know after 6 months in office as President it is customary
for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
Yesterday Obama received the customary note from President
Bush. However,when he opened the note he was sure it must be in some
secret code that he was unaware of since it read: 370H-SSV-0773H This
really troubled Obama as he had always thought, as well as his beloved
followers, just how dumb the former President Bush was perceived to have
been.

He first took the note to his beautiful (?) wife.

She was unable to decipher it.

He then called his VP and he was of course unable to decode the message.
He then called the Chief of Staff and the head of the Secret Service and
all were unable to determine the meaning of the note. He even checked
with the Speaker of the House who of course just blinked and smiled.
There was complete panic in the oval office. A special emergency meeting
was called by the staff. All branches of the military, Counter
Intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in and the best minds were unable to
crack the code. Finally after a sleepless night, a now humbled
man, Obama picked up the phone and called the former President and asked
him the meaning of the the note.

President Bush just chuckled and said to Obama. . . "Pardner. . . You are
holding the note upside down."

[moss20]

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom.

'How can that be possible if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative ; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services ; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services ; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing ; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer , he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration ; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing ;

although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist ;

all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist ;

all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector ;

all he ever did was Lick it ... God I miss him.

'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

To which she replied,

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT' . ..

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.

[zephyp]

[moss20]

I can't stand it anymore, so I'm moving on if Obama can pull some strings for me. Hope they have some nice golf courses in Mexico.


Dear Mr. President:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.

We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.
I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.

4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bilingual) teachers.

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.

7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.


8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U.. S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say a critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.

16. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.

17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $ 4,500 to help me buy a new car.

18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who come to the U.S. from Mexico.. I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You're the man!!!