A Place To Tell Jokes

General discussion - Feel free to discuss anything you want here. Firearm related is preferred, but not required

Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby Kreutz » Sun, 23 Oct 2011 15:54:37

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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby dorminWS » Mon, 24 Oct 2011 12:07:58

How God Created Virginia -



God was missing for six days. On the seventh day, Michael, the archangel, found him - resting. He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look, Michael. Look what I have made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet" replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, he said, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and asked, "What's that one?"

"That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, ocean, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington, DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
"The Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference."
-Thomas Jefferson


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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby Chasbo00 » Thu, 27 Oct 2011 19:34:53

The Dead Parrot


At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."


"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"


"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.


"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"


"Si, Senor, that's the one."


"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?


"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."


"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"


"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."


"Dead horse? What dead horse?"


"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."


"My prize thoroughbred is dead?


"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."


"Are you insane? What water cart?"


"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."


"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"


"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."


"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle?!"


"Yes, Senor Rod."


"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"


"For the funeral, Senor Rod."


"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"


"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom-made Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. "


SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE..............


"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep trouble."
Competition is one of the "great levelers" of ego.


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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby dorminWS » Mon, 31 Oct 2011 10:36:22

Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? If you are over 45 yrs old, you MUST take this pre-ALZEIMER'S test.
Q U E S T I O N S:


1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S








A N S W E R S:
1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


You do NOT have Alzheimer's


You are a Pervert
"The Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference."
-Thomas Jefferson


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I don't think it's a good idea to put that online. WHO KNOWS who's checking? I love big-caliber and longe-range rifles and 1911 pistols, and I've got a few.

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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby dorminWS » Mon, 31 Oct 2011 11:21:20

BEWILDERED TEXAN


While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
"The Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference."
-Thomas Jefferson


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I don't think it's a good idea to put that online. WHO KNOWS who's checking? I love big-caliber and longe-range rifles and 1911 pistols, and I've got a few.

Next Firearm:
I can always use another 1911.

Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby Chasbo00 » Fri, 04 Nov 2011 21:31:41

The Agony of Hearing Loss…

After Daylight Savings Time ended last year I stopped in to visit my hearing impaired friend.

He was busy painting his penis with a black marker.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"
Competition is one of the "great levelers" of ego.


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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby Chasbo00 » Wed, 09 Nov 2011 11:42:02

Competition is one of the "great levelers" of ego.


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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby Kreutz » Wed, 09 Nov 2011 22:24:23

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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby Chasbo00 » Sat, 12 Nov 2011 20:54:39

Competition is one of the "great levelers" of ego.


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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby zombiekiller57 » Sat, 12 Nov 2011 22:32:05

That was great!


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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby wylde007 » Mon, 14 Nov 2011 12:16:37

:thumbsdown:

That would probably be hilarious if I didn't already believe a lot of cops already act this way... at least to one degree or another.
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And the newest slavery is to keep the people poor, and stupid.
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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby OakRidgeStars » Sat, 17 Dec 2011 09:33:34

This must be true. I read it on the internets :clap:

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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby Janet33 » Mon, 19 Dec 2011 10:35:22

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."


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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby Kreutz » Mon, 19 Dec 2011 23:25:18

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He
marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and body guard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011
Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."


-------------------

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

---------------------

Guy goes into a bar in Berwick, La, where there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy with Barrack Obama?


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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby dorminWS » Tue, 20 Dec 2011 12:00:38

Wisdom from an old Jewish man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f*#@ing wall."
"The Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference."
-Thomas Jefferson


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My Arsenal:
I don't think it's a good idea to put that online. WHO KNOWS who's checking? I love big-caliber and longe-range rifles and 1911 pistols, and I've got a few.

Next Firearm:
I can always use another 1911.

Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby dorminWS » Wed, 21 Dec 2011 13:04:53

This made me think of one of you guys. I ain't fixin' to call his name, but his initials are K.R.E.U.T.Z.

You might be a Yankee if... (the other side to REDNECK humor)
* The sound of Fran Drescher's voice doesn't bother you.
* You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to go on a
camping trip. Ever.
* For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.
* You can name at least 4 hockey teams.
* You've never eaten Okra.
* You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.
* You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun & knife show.
* You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
* You've never had grain alcohol.
* You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.
* You have no idea what a polecat is.
* You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
* You've never had bangs. (editor's. note - OR if you do have them, they
aren't several inches ABOVE the top of your head)
* You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
* You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
* You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his
own TV fishing show.
* You refer to two or more people as "you guys" instead of "y'all".
* You think more money should go to important scientific research at your
university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
* You prefer a bagel over a donut.
* You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay
Bob, Sara Jane)
* You get freaked out when strangers in public talk to you.
* None of your fur coats are made with real fur.
* You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.
* You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for...(something)
* You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
* Your idea of a perfect meal is "Lahbsta and Clam Chawdah."
* You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.
* Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.
* You don't "reckon".
* You're not "fixin" to do anything.
"The Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference."
-Thomas Jefferson


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My Arsenal:
I don't think it's a good idea to put that online. WHO KNOWS who's checking? I love big-caliber and longe-range rifles and 1911 pistols, and I've got a few.

Next Firearm:
I can always use another 1911.

Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby dorminWS » Wed, 21 Dec 2011 13:18:46

Why a Handgun is Better Than a Woman

 You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
 You can trade a 44 for two 22s.
 You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
 If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
 Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
 Handguns function normally every day of the month.
 A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?".
 A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.
 You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
"The Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference."
-Thomas Jefferson


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Joined: Mon, 06 Dec 2010 15:00:41
Location: extreme SW VA
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My Arsenal:
I don't think it's a good idea to put that online. WHO KNOWS who's checking? I love big-caliber and longe-range rifles and 1911 pistols, and I've got a few.

Next Firearm:
I can always use another 1911.

Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby Kreutz » Thu, 29 Dec 2011 19:38:58

Image


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My Arsenal:
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12ga.
9mm
.45
7.62x38R
8x56r

Next Firearm:
can't sell another kidney (never said I was gonna sell mine)

Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby Chasbo00 » Thu, 29 Dec 2011 21:07:53

I can't stand that guy - really glad he is not running again.
Competition is one of the "great levelers" of ego.


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Re: A Place To Tell Jokes

Postby OakRidgeStars » Fri, 30 Dec 2011 08:20:58

Be sure to stop by the lobby and pickup your complimentary bottle of...

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"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." - Benjamin Franklin


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I have no idea what you're talking about

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Something scary...

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