Virginia Gun Owners Forum - VGOF

The Americans with no ability Act
Washington, DC - Congress is considering sweeping legislation that will
provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities
Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of
the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

'Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and
drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in
society,' said California Senator Barbara Boxer. 'We can no longer stand
by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With
this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special
favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea
of what they are doing.'

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi
and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of t he U.S.
Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing
opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of
postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single
largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination
against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry
(68%), and home improvement 'warehouse' stores (65%). At the state
government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent
record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 'middle
man' positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but
little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose
and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so
as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable
employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to
corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability
into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and
medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every
two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more
difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example,
discriminatory interview questions such as, 'Do you have any skills or
experience that relate to this job?'

'As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who
have something going for them,' said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her
position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to
her inability to remember rightey tightey, lefty loosey. 'This new law
should be real good for people like me,' Gertz added. With the passage
of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will
finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durban (D-IL): 'As a Senator with no abilities, I
believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be
extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as
lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his
or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation
and a good salary for doing so.

A Texan, a Californian and a Washingtonian are all sitting around a campfire in the Nevada desert.

After awhile, the Texan takes a bottle of whiskey from his pack, takes a long pull off of it then throws it up into the air, pulls out his six shooter and blows it out of the sky. He looks at the two other men with an grin and says "we got lots of whiskey in Texas".

Everyone nods...

A little while later, the Californian takes a bottle of wine out of his pack, takes a sip from it, then throws it up into the air, pulls out his 9mm and shoots it out of the sky. He looks at the two other men with a sly smile and says "we got lots of wine in California".

Everyone nods...

A short time after, the Washingtonian pulls his .45 Auto from his pack, walks over to the Californian and shoots him. He looks at the Texan with a serious expression and says "we got lots of Californians in Washington".

The Texan nods...

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from a real word. Some are very innovative:

1. Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

5. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte (v. nt.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido (n.): All talk and no action

13. Dopeler Effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out .

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

17. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an @$$hole.

moss20 wrote:George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

Creative thinking:

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston '

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.'

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

A TRUE SOUTHERN LADY..............
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father.'
He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.'
She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.'
He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids.'
She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.'
He replied, ''Who the Hell is Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart. Just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.'

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
>driveway jumping for joy!
>
>I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, "What the
>heck?" and I started jumping up and down along with her.
>
>She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great.. Tell me why
>you're so happy."
>
>She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down,
>told me that she was pregnant! I knew she'd been trying for a while so I
>told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
>
>Then she said, "There's more!"
>
>I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just
>one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
>
>Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how
>she knew. She said.... "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and
>they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out
>positive!!!

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."

Somehow this made it on the radio today, gotta love satellite radio:

Two old politicians were sitting in a retirement home, discussing current events. The republican had alzheimers and the democrat was just there because he was old. The republican got a worried look on his face, turns to the man to his side and says "I don't remember my name or how I old I am". The democrat gave a reassuring "Don't worry, I know how to tell. Pull your pants down, bend over and spread your cheeks". The republican with alzheimers looked puzzled but did as he was told. After a few minutes of inspection, the republican pulled his pants up, sat down and awaited an answer. The democrat said "OK, I found out your name is Albert Johnson and you are 89 years old". Amazed, the republican asked how this man was able to tell all that just from his hind side. The democrat replied "You told me your name and age yesterday".

Cheesy joke, but I couldn't help but crack up after hearing it today

Miscellaneous musings that should be on T-shirts...


I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where: The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah. Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

IDAHO: 1.5 million people, Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde).

When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred."

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out
that she's pregnant. She is furious. She was just appointed
Secretary of State and this has happened to her. She calls
Bill on the phone, and immediately starts screaming:

"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on
right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can't
believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is
all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!!
Well, what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams
again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible
whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver and saw a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked
the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for
the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them
down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and
gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings , MT. That's about
550 miles from here."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in Idaho when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust
cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me
a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to an other NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy.. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.....this is a
herd of sheep.. ..

Now give me back my dog.

BUBBA DURING LENT

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor
grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were
Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on
Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a
Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.
As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night
arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the
neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and,
as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to
scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and
chanted, "You wuz born a Bambi, you wuz raised a Bambi, but now you is a
catfish."

Test joke....

How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

20 to study the problem
30 to increase taxes to pay for the study
12 to debate if the bulb wants to be changed
39 to figure out if the bulb should be imported from China or made in America
50 to make sure the old bulb and the new bulb have free housing, health care, and a welfare check
275 to determine if the old bulb really needs replacing or if the entire electrical grid is bad
15 to negotiate a union contract with the light bulb
20 to make sure the old light bulb gets a full retirement package
45 to ensure that no other new light bulbs were offended because they werent selected
20 to increase taxes again to make sure enough money is available to pay for all future light bulbs
12,000 to form a new government agency to oversee all light bulbs - new and old

Bottom line: they are all in the dark and will remain that way...

Very important information has just been made public that I think is something you should all be aware of:



Gonorrhea Lectim

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'im."

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum.

Many victims contracted it in 2008 ..... but now most people after having been infected for the past 1-2 years are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is. It's sad because it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Votemout!

You take the first dose/step in 2010 and the second dosage in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again, otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this like Virginia and New Jersey, and apparently now Massachusetts with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

"Help stamp out this dreaded disease .... vote and VOTE'M OUT!"

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor…

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, ' Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!